Miranda Lancaster

Miranda Lancaster
Portrayed By	Mary-Louise Parker
Gender	Female
Date of Birth	January 22nd, 1968
Age	39
Zodiac Sign	Aquarius
Aliases	Randi
Place of Birth	Glendale, California, USA
Current Location	New York City, NY, USA
Occupation	Columnist, Gloss magazine
Known Relatives	Sister; Mabel Knox (daughter); Alison Lancaster (daughter); Michelle Lancaster (holy crap another daughter); a whole bunch of Lancaster in-laws
Significant Other	Mark Lancaster (husband)
Known Abilities	???
First Appearance	Who Says Romance Is Dead?

Miranda Lancaster, originally Miranda Knox, is the wife of entertainment lawyer Mark Lancaster and is almost as sarcastic as he is — which is, maybe, how she manages to put up with him. She moved to New York from the west coast, along with her husband and their two three daughters, three years ago and finds a way to complain about the lack of beaches and how #$^&ed up NYC is every other day. She writes a straight-talking relationship advice column in the women's magazine Gloss called "So, Randi" under a vague pseudonym while simultaneously trying to keep her family functioning.

History

I really hate what other people think.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what they think. It's when they voice their ignorant complaints and decide they have to do something about it to try to bring me up to their plane of enlightenment. People are stupid. I don't give a crap what they think.

Treat others like you want to be treated? You probably don't give a crap what I think either. The same freedom of speech that lets other people mouth off is the same rule that lets me rant right back. Hi, my name is Miranda Lancaster, and sometimes I'm a hypocrite.

I'm not one of those women who marry successful jackasses because they like the verbal abuse that inevitably comes when the successful jackass happens to be a successful jackass lawyer. My husband is Mark Lancaster. He started Lancaster and Associates after we got married and worked entertainment law for a long time. Legal superhero to the stars. That was in LA. He's kind of a shark. We have an understanding. He's a better person than people think he is, if that's any consolation.

I've always been a cynic. Okay, okay, maybe not always. It would be depressing if people could start out cynical from the get-go. Something has to make them that way, right? Granted, I don't really have faith in humanity's inborn goodness or whatever. I have half a history degree and half a philosophy degree. Combine what I learned from those illustrious college years was that humanity … sucks. But at least it's consistent. People are destined to screw things up. There's some philosophy for you.

I didn't really have any plans to get married, because given that people suck, I couldn't honestly comprehend how two people could spend the rest of their lives together (happily) or why they'd even want to. I mean, seriously? You see old couples who've been together for sixty years. Sixty years, with the same person, day in and day out. How does that sound like anyone's definition of a fun time?

I bet you can tell by now that I'm not exactly a romantic girl. I like getting flowers. And jewellery. Just without the strings attached.

Now I'm married with kids and a PTA meeting next Thursday. Very funny, universe. Thanks for that.

The first time, it had nothing to do with Mark. Mae came about by accident. We don't talk about her father. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. Since she was "my firstborn," my mother insisted that I name her after my grandmother, Mabel. I was high enough after labour to agree. I loved Mae like any mom would, but I didn't plan on having any more.

Then…

We never meant for it to last. It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even love at first desk. Or floor. Or that time in the closet of the law office. It was love at first fight. It still happens: we'll get into some crazy difference of opinion where there's really no winning it, but the make-up aftermath kind of makes everything okay until the next time. We're not perfect, but we're a good fit. It's disturbing, really — or is to the outside world. We're stable. We better be, since back in the day when we were doing that whole "falling in love" thing, he knocked me up with a daughter, and then later when we were at the "in love and still long-term" thing we had another one. Our girls, Alison and Michelle. We do what we can to not screw them up.

Prior to Mark, as I said, I didn't really have my eye set on marriage. It's not like weren't already like a married couple, but with a guy like him… there's always that annoying nagging hint of doubt. Marriage seals the deal. For those sixty long years. He's a lawyer. He knows how aggravating divorce is. So I found myself waiting. Patiently. Impatiently. It varied. He proposed after one of his big cases closed.

Sometimes I'm scared of turning into my sister, but the urge to stab her with her three year old's plastic spork presents itself and makes me feel better.

We live in New York now, after one of Mark's cases almost drove him completely off the deep end. I'm serious, by the way. I was about to go insane too if it had gone on a day longer.

I used to be an editor at a newspaper in LA, based on tenuous credentials and actual skill. I think. It might have been my boobs. Anyway, that was A) after a bunch of random jobs I'd rather not mention and B) before everything got too crazy to manage it. Since moving to New York, I started working for Gloss magazine. I have a column. "So, Randi". It's for relationship advice. The way I see it, I'm doing something right since I'm happy enough (most of the time), so other people at least deserve some real advice.

I'm used to the kind of lifestyle we live. Judge me if you want, just talk about it behind my back so I don't have to hear you. It was a good move, coming here. I hate New York. But at least Mark isn't in violation of his restraining order.

_{P.S. Sometimes I lie. Just not about about my family.}

Timeline

August, 2007

• Who Says Romance Is Dead? —> Just another Date Night.
• Paperclips —> Just back-to-school shopping.

September, 2007

• First Day —> Just the first day of school for some of her spawn.*
• Family Fail —> Just dinner at a nice restaurant… with the impromptu addition of her brother-in-law, Mark's little brother Eric who didn't know they'd been in the city for three years. Whoops.

The Dysfunction

Relationships

• mark-lancaster —> Husband. It's not perfect, but perfect is boring and overrated. He's kind of an ass, but I have this thing for people who say what's on their mind. At the end of the day, we come home to the same place, so that's something.
• Mae —> My first daughter, notably not Mark's. She's currently very much… a teenager. She's also more like me than she's probably willing to admit.
• Michelle —> Michelle is Mark and I's first daughter. I'm not as overprotective of her as Mark is, but maybe I should be. She's growing up fast. Where does the time go?
• Alison —> Alison is the kind of little girl you take places when you want to get away with something. Oh, and she's my daughter too. So I would never do something like that.
• Annabelle —> It seems like this girl has been around since Mae has. Somehow a few years feels like forever. Mae's "BFF" or whatever kids are calling it these days, she's too adorable to kick out of my house.
• Eric —> Pending.

Bad Wife

(Just you wait, Mark.)

Quotes

"Oh, yeah. Twins. You want some boys? They're not yours, though. I f—d the pool boy. I don't think he can afford child support, we should give him a raise. He does a good job taking the leaves off the top." - Who Says Romance Is Dead?

"Get a new gay office hooker." - Who Says Romance Is Dead?

Mark: "I swear, what the hell does tuition pay for? Lunch?"
Annabelle: "The lunch at school is really good. I can imagine it being expensive."
Miranda: "It pays for a feeling of superiority over the mediocrity of public school." - Paperclips

"Jeff. Jeff Jeff Jeff. How about you drop everything you have into my cart, and I give you fifty bucks and don't tell Mae that I saw you following Little Miss Bianco around the store like a puppy in heat earlier? My daughter is very protective of her bee-eff-eff. She'd f—k you up." - Paperclips

"Here, take it. Get your high from sugar, say no to drugs." - to Michelle, First Day

"Word up." - First Day

"Do you need lunch money? Vending machine.. change? I think they installed some healthy snacks program this year. Hm? More candy? … A hug? Crack? A gun? Michelle, are you listening?" - First Day

Employment

So, Randi at Gloss —> Miranda works for a magazine dishing out relationship advice in her… special style. (Click the link to see snippets from the column.)

Trivia

• In the Dark Future, Miranda is dead.
• Miranda's full name doesn't appear in Gloss. Her column is simply "by Randi".