2010-05-11: A License To Thrill



Guest Starring:

April and Kiki

Date: May 11, 2010


Some people will do anything to get out of working…

"A License to Thrill"

The Food Court

The Food Court. It's early. It's not open yet. Why? Because Archie Wheeler has the key. Woken up at an insane hour by the loud voice of Big Mitch, the great Archie Wheeler was talked into opening up the restaurant today. He's decked out in his uniform, complete with his extra Gamer additions, though his visor is kind of crooked. He still looks half asleep, whilst he works on getting everything set up. Which would be going a lot smoother if there were other workers here to help him do all this benign crap! But! Of course, not. Why would Big Mitch call anybody else? Not when there's someone as reliable as the great Archie Wheeler available!

That was ten minutes ago.

Welcome to now. Archie is sprawled out on the order counter, visor twisted around on his head, keys hanging from his neck and snoring loudly as drool seeps from his open mouth and down onto the table. His head is kinda' smooshed up against the nearest cash register and he looks like he's seen better mornings. He has.

Ah. But Mitch had called someone else. But she got lost today. Again. This happens every few weeks — ironic considering she's been working here for the last year or so. Because she'd gotten lost, she found her way to April's house — fortunately April knows the way to work, every day.

Pinkylocked with April, the blonde comes into the Food Court looking mesmerized. "So I don't understand why the bisextile only comes every four years — it just must be the one day every four years everyone else goes for both women and men. For me everyday is a bisextile," she says in a spacey-disembodied voice. "Oh HI Arch-ie!" she says brightly while tugging on April's pinky. She releases her friend before stepping towards the counter, and tilts her head. "You should wake up, you can't like sleep on the job. It's against the rules, Mitch told me!"

Indeed, April does know the way to work every day. While the burden of being the 'smarter' of the two requires that she, occasionally, has to show Kiki the way, she constantly sees it as a pleasure much more than a burdensome task. She shakes her head at the blonde to whom her pinky is attatched. "I don't know how people wait for years to be bisextile with anyone. It's better to be that way ALL the time. It's like I say…promiscuity is much more fun. Especially if you swing both ways." Entering their famed work place and catching Wheeler asleep, April sighs, crossing her arms as Kiki tugs her pinky away. "Really, Archie? Falling asleep on the job? It's not like we're hanging out with Jughead and the gang at Pop Tate's Chocklit Shoppe. We're actually here to work."

The mumbling that comes from the Down For The Count Wheeler is, well, apparently about cartoons. But for the moment, while he's jerking himself awake, thanks to the annoying voices intruding from the Real World, Wheeler can see the Matrix. But then, that moment is gone.

Archie pops up straight, sliding right off the counter and falling to smack into the hard, sticky floor that he's not used to being on. A floor that, obviously, has not been cleaned the way it should've been last night. "Ugh. Totally Gross Hidden Videos." is muttered from his lips as he PEELS his face out of whatever was on the floor. Ick. His body rolls to the side and he ends up on his back, but that gives him a much more interesting angle at which to work with the restaurants chosen tennis skirt attire… worn by both April and Kiki.

"Well Hello…" That was his best creepy old man impression. "… Ladies." Okay, no, THAT was. Fear.

"Oh! Is Jughead the guy makes the food everyday? I'm pretty sure he's gay." Kiki observes for everyone. "I tried to make out with him once." She tilts her head at April and then outright stares at Wheeler. "Ew. Grossage. What's on your face…?" Her dark eyebrow knit tightly together as she shudders. "Oh yeah — I think that's where that kid vomited yesterday or maybe he spilled a milkshake— " hope for Wheeler's sake it was a milkshake. "Now I remember why I tied this string on my finger! Big Mitch asked me to clean it up!" She's smiling brightly now. Because she remembered, happy gal.

April shakes her head. "No…Jughead…from that comic book? He eats all the hamburgers and stuff? Nevermind" She shrugs. "But I know who you're talking about. I think he's gay too. Like…uber gay like my uncle Francois." She winces, gazing down at Archie. "Ewwwww. I am not helping you clean that up. I just painted my nails, I don't wanna mess 'em up." Clearing her throat she says, "Are you gonna get up, Archie, or are you liking the view from down there a little too much?"

Never ask a Nerd to get up when he's enjoying the view of something that should only be seen on the Internet. Even with the dried… whatever… on his face, he manages to bring his hands up and behind his head, smiling the entire time. "I think I'm good right here." That's said with a big smug smile on his features, getting as comfortable as he possibly can, on the hard and sticky floor. "I mean, if you two are okay where you are, that is. This really has to be good for all of us, if it's going to work." Yeah, he's pretty much going to stay down there and be perverted as long as he possibly can. "We don't open for another hour anyway…" Even more reason to go for it.

Kiki looks at April and then nods, "So totally gay. Like dolphins and bunnies kind of gay. Or showtune gay. He'd have to be not to make out with me. That means we can get changed in front of him, and make him our new shopping buddy, right?" The question is totally irrelevant but at this moment it makes perfect sense to the blonde. "Ar-chie~ will you clean up the floor when you're done with it?" she asks as she rolls the piece of string off her finger before twirling her hair around her finger and batting her eyelashes. "Pwease? Pwetty pwetty pwease with cherries on top?"

April nods a little. "Yeah, I mean…if he's not gonna make moves on you, I mean, he's totally gay. We'll have to get his opinion on clothes and stuff. I bet he knows all the best places to shop. And like…like…how to find the best deals for the best clothes and stuff." She gives Archie a pout and says, "You'll help Kiki, won't you? You'll clean the floor? Her and I have to get ready to work. You wouldn't want us looking horrid when we open, would you? It would be terrible if we did."

"Ugh. You two, of all people, have to keep reminding me that we're at work. And here I was about to suggest we party the day away." Sighing, Wheeler rolls himself back up to his feet and leans back against the counter, still trying to look as cool as he never is. He swings his visor around to the front. "Can't. Gotta' gas up the Wilson." Yes, that would be the volkswagen tennis ball that's parked right outside. "I'm on deliveries today. Big Mitch's orders." Archie shrugs a little bit, pulling the keys off his neck. "You might be able to just lick it up. Smells like chocolate to me." Just a suggestion!

"Really? I love chocolate — " Kiki tilts her head as she looks at the floor, still spacey. And then she shakes her head, "But it's on the floor." Although she could probably be convinced. "We don't eat food off the floor." She was a trust fund princess until recently. "I thought the Wilson worked on tennis-power. It's like a tennis-ball for giants. And they hit it back and forth wherever you need to make deliveries." She nods at this before walking towar

"Ewww. No one is gonna be eating anything off of the floor. That is totally gross." Comes April's quick reply. There's a nod to Kiki. "Yeah, we never eat food off the floor." She lets out a pouting cry. "Awwww, Aaarrrrchiiieeee!" She says sadly, giving him puppy dog eyes. "Are you sure you can't clean up the floor for Kiki? We'd totally love you if you did." But then…wait? Is Kiki actually going to get the mop and bucket? Like…really really?

"No can do, ladies. The Wilson is in dire need of some gas and I just know we're going to have a lot of orders out today. So I might as well get ready for the day." Wheeler just kind of smiles right about now, as he smooths out his own uniform. "Besides, Big Mitch left me in charge until he comes in this afternoon, so it's up to me to delegate and order you two fine babes around." Archie is chuckling and rubbing his hands together at this point. "So unless you two want to discuss the terms of your positions…" Does that count as sexual harassment if he's not really their boss?

But then Kiki doesn't come back with the mop and bucket, she just took them out of the supply closet — only a foot outside of it. Instead of cleaning, she makes cutesy sad eyes at Wheeler. "Arrrrrchie~ if you clean it up I'll take you into the supply room for three whole minutes~" She places her hands on her hips and issues him the cutest grin she can muster. "And April's right I will totes love you forever. Do you know what I do with people I love forever~?"

"Wait, my position has terms? Oh yeah, it totally does!" She nods emphatically at this fact. "That's why I have to wash my hands so often. Ugh. Sometimes it ruins my manicure — "

April saunters over and stands beside Kiki, her pinky sneakily clasping around Kiki's. "Three whole minutes, Arch. That's like…foreva. And I'll even throw in a lil smooch from yours truly. Whaddya say? Won't you mop the floor?" She flashes him a smile of her own. "You see? She'll like totally love your foreva. And foreva is like…like…foreva. It's a long time!"

With a sympathetic nod, April says, "I know, right? I don't think it's fair. You have such pretty manicures, too. You should have to mess them up because of the silly little rule."

Wheeler can practically feel himself being manipulated by the girls that are trying to get him to clean up things. It's not exactly hard to get, but he's actually wondering if they even are smart enough to know that they are trying to manipulate him. Wheeler just kind of shrugs slightly. "Tell you what I'm gonna' do for you girls. Since both of you are pretty hot beyond what's good for you." That was sort of a backhanded compliment, but there it is. It's still a compliment. "I'll clean up this mess and the entire floor for one hour. In the supply closet. My rules, my time." Wheeler may or may not be a closet pervert. But then again, who would be stupid enough to turn down such an opening? Not Wheeler! "… but I want both of you." OH SNAP!

"An hour?" Beat. "That's like an entire episode of the Y and R. Or Afterlife. Or. Sex and the City. Wait. I think it's like four episodes of Sex and the City. How many minutes are in an hour?" Now Kiki is trying to count on her hands and has forgotten the problem altogether. Numbers are not her forte. "Well if my mom is right and a stitch in time saves nine then… there must be… nine minutes, right? Or… is it four minutes? Like 'we only got four minutes to save the world'— or…" Her eyes are narrowed as she puzzles over this; the closet and the floor have been long forgotten and now without the string on her finger there's no friendly reminder. This is just the way it goes.

Wheeler rolls his eyes and shrugs. "Fine, fine. Take all the fun out of it for me." Maybe he wanted to go a little further than making out. But whatever works. "But I want my hour first. Call me crazy, but I don't trust you two. You have this whole Laverne and Shirley thing going on that makes me nervous. A little too nervous." Self-Narration comes with the territory of dealing with Archibald Wheeler. He grins though, tossing his keys from one hand to the other and swinging them on his finger. "So. Shall we?" Of course, Wheeler would be excited about this possibility. This is totally going to go on his blog.

"Sixty minutes. That's like long." Kiki turns and inspects Wheeler. He's kind of cute in a geeky way. But sixty whole minutes?! Of course, he's on the list of people she hasn't made out with, this is a pickle. She glances down at the ground. "Or I could get one of the regulars to do it for me for a date, no making out required. And I'll get free dinner." She stares at Wheeler and tilts her head, "Do you taste like old cheeseburgers and french fries? Because I'm vegan since yesterday." As an aside she turns to April, "That means you only eat things that start with a v, e, g, a, or n." Nodding incredulously she says simply, "I can't taste burgers. But. If you don't taste like burgers I think we may have a deal."

April nods firmly. "That's super totally long. Like…an Archie Comics convention long." She says all knowing. "Oooh yeah! I bet one of those guys would clean it up for you. Hmmmm…" She looks between Wheeler and Kiki. "I…but then, Wheeler's here. It could be done in no time flat." Nodding sagely she says, "You heard the girl, no tasting like burgers or fries." He nods to Kiki again, before looking back to Wheeler. "But um…like…how do we know that you're not just saying this to make out with us? What if you don't clean it up after the hour in the closet?"

Wheeler actually scoffs at the fact that they think he could possibly even be thinking about pulling a fast one. "Girls. If I wanted to just make out with you, I'd just ask to make out with you. When have I ever been a liar? I mean, think about it." Wheeler actually pauses his words for a moment, in order to let Kiki drift off into the land of daydreams about Wheeler. "Big Mitch leaves me in charge, every time he's not here. Do you really think I got this unofficial position by not being trustworthy? Really?" He pleads his case to the best of his epic fast-talking ability.

"But do you taste like burgers?" just the important facts for Kiki. "I can't eat burgers and when you kiss someone you get the nutrients they have. I read that in like… Cosmo." Ha! Like Kiki can read. "But you can have had veal. That starts with a V, right? Or…. gunpowder. I wonder if a person blows up when they belch after they've gunpowder. That would be like a really smart way to kill someone…" Yes. Smart.

April sighs and shakes her head. "Are you gonna answer Kiki's question? I mean like…until it's answered, we're totally not going anywhere. Don't matter if Big Mitch trusts you a bunch or not. Kiki absolutely needs to know. It's like…super important. If she gets the nutrients from a burger, it'll ruin her whole being vegan. And we can't have that, can we?" She says, pouting. "Once we've got the answer to that, we can get this ball rolling."

Wheeler blinks. "Wait. You were serious?" He actually didn't think they were serious about that whole burgers thing. Which, for the record, is kind of a super odd question. But whatever. "No, Kiki. I do not taste like burgers. In fact, I had veal last night for a late dinner. So there are probably still remnants of it lingering around on my personage." Wheeler has no idea what he's talking about, but he's just trying to go through the motions of trying to answer stupid questions so that he can get his make out on.

"Good. I'd hate to get your burger nutrients in my system," she says matter-of-factly. "It probably would have cheese too and I can't eat that either because it's starts with a 'ch'. But veal is definitely allowed. I think it has something to do with the way the veals are watered and allowed to flower." Kiki begins to walk towards the closet, and then reaches into her pocket and pulls out two lipglosses, "So… do you like watermelon or strawberry?" Then she holds up a hand, "WAIT. April what are you wearing?! We could like make awesome flavours — "

April smiles widely. "Well, now that that's settled, let's go to the closet!" She says in a casual tone. With a nod to Kiki, she says, "Yeah…probably has something to do with that. You're right." Why bother correcting her, when she's so fun to hang out with? With a glance back at Wheeler, on her way to the closet, she responds to Kiki saying, "I'm wearing raspberry. So maybe…hmmm, I think strawberry goes really well with raspberry. What do you think, Wheeler?"

"Good. I'd hate to get your burger nutrients in my system," she says matter-of-factly. "It probably would have cheese too and I can't eat that either because it's starts with a 'ch'. But veal is definitely allowed. I think it has something to do with the way the veals are watered and allowed to flower." Kiki begins to walk towards the closet, and then reaches into her pocket and pulls out two lipglosses, "So… do you like watermelon or strawberry?" Then she holds up a hand, "WAIT. April what are you wearing?! We could like make awesome flavours — "

April smiles widely. "Well, now that that's settled, let's go to the closet!" She says in a casual tone. With a nod to Kiki, she says, "Yeah…probably has something to do with that. You're right." Why bother correcting her, when she's so fun to hang out with? With a glance back at Wheeler, on her way to the closet, she responds to Kiki saying, "I'm wearing raspberry. So maybe…hmmm, I think strawberry goes really well with raspberry. What do you think, Wheeler?"

Wheeler is fine to let the ladies head in the direction of the closet first, because he has something to do at this very moment. And that's the YES! performance of a lifetime! He's dancing around in his own little square of happiness, air guitaring and arm pumping to some imaginary song called Yes, I'm Gonna' Score. The fact that it's with two hot babes, in the supply closet, of his job is just adding to the bonus features of this song. He doesn't even realize that they are waiting for him to answer until his eyes open back up in mid-air-riff. He freezes and coughs, straightening himself up. "Uh. Whatever." He's trying to use his 'cool dude' tone. It's not that cool. "I'm cool. I like 'em all."

"Strawberry then. Wait. I can't have it. It doesn't start with one of the letters of food I can eat— " at this moment it doesn't matter to Kiki that it's a flavour of lipgloss and not a food. "Are you okay with like a really awkward dry lip makeout session? I have lips of steel. Seriously, they can handle anything after making out with Fitzwilliam Compton to do my homework like everyday, but you seem like you have virgin lips. I bet you've never even kissed a guy." Because that's the scale of sluttiness for all people: whether they've kissed a guy.

April rolls her eyes once more at the sight of Wheeler dancing. She can't quite believe she agreed to make out with Wheeler of all people. But…whatever gets the job done at the end of the day. "Wait! You don't gotta go on dry lips. 'Cause that'd be like the worst thing ever." She nods sagely. Out of her pocket she pulls out a few lipglosses. Picking out one in particular and handing it to Kiki, she says, "This is grape. You can have that one. Starts with a capital g, Grape."

As the girls had returned to lipgloss conversation, Wheeler had returned to his dancing session. The old one had been replaced with something much more embarrassing, as it involved the shaking of Wheeler's bootay. Which, for the record, is what he's doing when there are accusations made from Kiki's lips of steel. He pauses in mid-shake and looks over his shoulder at the girls. "Hell no I ain't kissed a guy! Never will, either!" He then frowns, realizing he just lied. He's not a liar. "Wait, no, that's not true. One time me and Russ had to kiss, but it was totally for a bet and we totally won. Free arcade for a year, baby!" He holds his hands up, victory in his eyes as he remembers that day! "That was a good year…"

Kiki puts on the grape lipgloss. "Mmm. Tastes like grapes. I can totes eat grapes." She frowns a little at the mention of making out with Russ. "I think I'm related to Russ. Wait. No. I'm related to Kurt Russell. But not like closely, but that's why my shoes make smarter." She wholeheartedly believes this as she opens the door to the closet and then turns back to face her cohorts. "You're less of a lip virgin than I thought, Archie. Is Archie a name?"

April nods a little. "Grapes are like…totally yummy, right?" She grins and winks at Wheeler as she and Kiki make their way into the closet. "Well, are ya gonna stay there all day, dancing and talking about guys you've kissed or are you going to come in here and let us fulfill our half of this deal?" She says, softly. "We're waiting."

Wheeler doesn't have to be told twice. He's already leaping over whatever solid object is in the way to get his butt back there to the girls and the supply closet. "Ladies! Prepare to be Made Outted! With… something." He's not very good with the foreplay talk, but at least he's enthusiastic. "These lips have a license to thrill." Oh god. No more James Bond marathons for Wheeler.

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