2007-09-01: Mancastles

Starring:

Ramon_icon.gif Lachlan_icon.gif

Guest Appearance By:

Eric_icon.gif

Summary: You know. You just can't take these two anywhere.

Date It Happened: September 1, 2007

Mancastles


The Kroger, Pit of Evil and Despair

Ramon is shopping. With a list. Lists are good, cause often, he just kicks the shelves and catches what falls off. "Pickles," he mutters. He's going straight down the list. He stares at row upon row of pickles. "Does she mean dill pickles, sweet pickles, kosher pickles…giant obscene pickles…Madre de Dios. I need more direction than this."

Shopping. Lachlan doesn't particularly enjoy it. When he lived alone, it was in and out real quick and then off home again. Now that he semi-shops for two, it takes longer and there are lists involved. Like right now. In another section of the market, the Scot squints at the piece of paper in his hand. "The bloody hell's a zuh-kinee?" he mutters as he wheels his cart through the produce section. After a bit of searching, he finds them and frowns. "Oh." It looks ugly. Whatever, Cass wants some. So after bagging it up and dropping it into his cart, he heaves a deep breath and starts for the dreaded Women's Section. Where they keep Womanly Things. The closer he gets, the slower Lachlan goes.

Ramon just picks eight sorts of pickles. There. Done. Next on the list. "Pads." He sighs. Swears. "God damn it." He swings around to the kitchen section first. He needed to buy new bbq tongs, really he did. Thus armed, he starts slinking towards the Feminine Section. He looks left. He looks right. He strafes across the cereal. Must not. Let anyone. See.

Almost to the women's section, Lachlan takes a sudden detour, steering through the nearest stand of movies and selecting several of the most manly, masculine ones he can find. Even though he owns most of them already. One can never have too much Steven Seagal or Chuck Norris, amirite? With these also lining his cart, he also picks up a few bags of jerky (MANLY JERKY) and then he sidles into the liquor section for some scotch and beer. All this is arranged into a nest of manliness that could counteract the most feminine of things and then — then — the Scot is ready to tackle No Man's Land. Assured of his masculinity, he marches right over, head held high, eyes fixed straight ahead, jaw set determinedly. Get in, get the … the things, get out. That is his mission.

By the time he actually gets there, though, the man is hunched over the bar of his cart with his head ducked to hide his face, eyes straining upward to catch a glimpse of what he's looking for. The more of the things he sees, the more horrified he grows. What brand? What sort? There are too many.

Cue Mission Impossible Theme here. Ramon looks, does not see Lachlan cause he's not at eye level…and does this heroic sliiiiiiiiiiide snaaaaaaaaatch with the tongs, tosss maneuver that…is all set to potentially ram buggies with Lachlan, and send one package of Stay Free Maxi Extra Strength With Wings go flying through the air, to the theme that is always used on commercials when things Fly Through the Air.

Just when he's all set to simply grab a package and run, whether or not it is the proper package, Lachlan's cart comes to a very sudden halt as it slams into Ramon's unseen one. The bar jabs the Scot harshly in the gut, causing him to 'oof' softly — and then … and then … something hits him in the face. Something soft and crinkly. He instinctively catches it with his hands and draws back, only to stare in abject horror at what he's holding. "BLOODY— !" Initiating a typical Scramble-Flail-Toss maneuver, he ejects the package right back towards its source, backpedaling as fast as his legs will carry him.

Ramon growls. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. The Maxi hit him in face. AUGH. Scarred. He bats it into his own buggy and starts throwing things over it as he backs away. Cereal. Toilet paper. Paper towels. It is MAN CASTLE TIME. And he's backing away. If he can build himself a mancastle quick enough and leave…but then how can he deal with the touch of this to his face?

ABORT. ABORT. ABORT. SKIN-TO-SKIN CONTACT WITH FEMALE THINGS DETECTED. BATTLESTATIONS.

Lachlan quickly begins to scrub his hands on his clothing, and then over his face where the things touched him. He can feel it. Burning. "Jesus Christ, watch wha' yer doin'!" he shrills, horrified. In a panic, he grabs the nearest Chuck Norris movie (Top Dog, classic) from his cart and tentatively nudges the nearest package of things into his nest of beef jerky and manly movies. Then he drops the movie on top of it and hightails it after Ramon toward the nearest manly section. More manliness is needed to atone for this horror.

Ramon needs manliness too though. He grabs for videos as that voice permeates his brain. He whirls around, holding 'Die Hard' in his right hand and 'Robocop' in his left in front of him like shields…only to spot…only to spot Lachlan. So. He glowers. And checks his mancastle. And glowers some more. "Lachlan," he rumbles.

It's … it's him. The Other Man. In the process of grabbing hold of a power drill out of a nearby bargain bin (not that Lachlan has any use for a power drill, but Goddamn it, power drills are masculine), he stares at Ramon, then scowls. "Ramon." Yes. Yes, he remembers him. And the Scot, as an afterthought, nudges a few movies over the offending package in his own cart. "See yer doin' some shoppin'." He drops the power drill in his cart, then picks up a hammer and drops it in there too. This will be the manliest Goddamn cart in the supermarket today.

Ramon throws both movies in and adds Escape from New York too. Cause that has a guy in an eyepatch TOO. Doing manly things. Like blowing shit up. "Yeah. You too," he says casually. "Findin' everything okay?" Then he grimaces. Findin' everything okay? Fuck that. He needs the ultimate doseage of manhood. He needs…

Jack Bauer.

And there it is, Season 4 of 24, where they get really down and dirty with the torture and the guns and the terrorists. Top shelf, right over there. Shining like a beacon from the man heaven.

"Yeah." Lachlan's finding everything perfectly fine, as he tosses Lethal Weapons 1, 2, 3, and 4 into his cart. Lachlan's finding everything just dandy — like Season 4 of 24. There's a heavenly chorus surrounding it (a very manly heavenly chorus with explosions and gunfire). His eyes lock on it. His face lights up. And so he makes to reach for it as the chorus crescendos (BOOOOOM RATTA TAT TAT BLAMBLAMBLAM).

"Oh hell no, its mine," Ramon breathes, losing all decorum as this older man tries to basketball leap up to the box. As in, dropping both of the movies, snatching up the all important tongs, leaping up and attempting to snatch in a maneuver that is bound to make him regret it for weeks when his back gives out, which it does, as of like right now, meaning a very 'manly' roar of pain accompanies this shenanegin…

The thing about Lachlan is: he's a tank, not an acrobat. As such, he's a little too slow (and no match for the tongs), and Ramon gets to the holiness of Jack Bauer before he does. This does not deter him, however. Lachlan needs that boxed set to complete his man castle. And by God (or Jack Bauer) he is going to get it. So even when Ramon gets the DVDs, the Scot lunges after them in an attempt to get them back. "Gimme tha'!"

CRASH. Down Ramon goes, right into the candy bin. M&Ms come raining down on his head, and in this moment of weakness he utterly fails to wrestle with LachlanTheTank, and Lachlan gets his DVDs, while a cashier starts urgently saying, "Manager to Aisle 3, Manager to Aisle 3" into her intercom as urgently as she can. They're going to get thrown right out of the Kroger at this rate. This gives a whole new meaning to Lets Go Krogering. So Ramon gets desperate, and crafty, and yells, "LOOK! THE HAGGIS SALESLADY JUST ARRIVED! FETCH!" and points wildly behind him while reaching for HIS box.

ARUGH. In the commotion, Lachlan fails to keep Ramon's hands off the box. He's too busy trying to get upright again after falling to his knees during the initial lunge and Ramon's crash into the candy bin. What results is a grapple of epic and manly proportions. "WHA'S THA'?" the Scot bellows. "THINK I HEAR SOMEONE'S CAR OUTSIDE. BETTER RUN AN' STEAL IT WHILE YE'VE GOT THE CHANCE." Two people can play the race card, here! And of course, he's notoriously uncaring about causing a scene. At least he won't be the only one thrown out on his ass when the manager arrives.

"My car is way hotter than yours, so you just think on that," Ramon growls, making another growling grapple for his DVDs, "when you're wearing your little skirt. AND YOU!" He roars to the cashier. "My girl will KILL me if I don't come home with ALL OF THOSE PICKLES so ring me up and make room for this DVD cause it…is…mine!"

Which is how, during all of this, a dulcet, "Price check on Maxi Pads, price check on Maxi Pads," rings like ungentle music through the store.

In point of fact, Lachlan does not own a car, but that means nothing in the broad scheme of things. He continues to keep a firm grip on the DVDs, the package of which is probably nice and crinkled now, and fights to maintain his supremacy in this ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny. "'ll bet it is. Best one ye could drive off the bloody lot, ehn? Di'ye hotwire it, 'r di'ye shank the salesman fer the keys?"

And then there's the price check. And Lachlan sneers. "Think they're playin' yer song!"

Sometimes, you just have to go to the store. You have to get milk, eggs, lots and lots of things that can be heated up in a microwave. You know the sort. Eric Walker was just shopping innocently enough. He had his own cart(One not nearly as much of a MANCASTLE, as he is shopping for normal things and needs not to overcompensate) and he has his own list.

The voices though, and the scene draws his attention towards the exit lines. Rolling his cart over in that direction, more out of curiousity at first…and then with the growing conviction that he actually knows those voices. Coming round the corner to see the battle of the MANLINESS that is wrecking havoc in the middle of the store he stares. He doesn't even know what to say.

What can he say.

There is nothing TOO say!

I mean its Ramon and Lachlan fighting over…what the hell is that…Season 4 of 24?

…or is it?

As the Epic Battle crinckles the pcover, the box sliiiiides out and falls to the floor. Seems someone stole those disks…and replaced them with…

RICHARD SIMMONS WORKOUT VIDEOS.

Yes. They have been fighting over 'Sweating to the Oldies' for the last five minuites.

Of course Eric notes this, wisely says nothing. Wisely does not even DRAW ATTENTION to himself…he just tries to get in line.

…and hide the fact that he has seasons 2-4 of 24 in his cart. They had a whole display on the other side of the store.

Ramon tries his damndest to leap up from under Lachlan. "They're yours man, they're yours," he says, his eyes bugging out. "Get off me, you gay freak." There. That should compensate for the Price Check of DEATH AND DESTRUCTION. Lachlan's gay. Or at least Bi. Because…because…Richard Simmons, that's why.

As soon as Lachlan notices waht just fell out of the slip cover, he drops it like it's hot and scrambles away — much like he did before when the things touched him in the face. "Jesus Christ," he breathes, then glowers at Ramon. "Yer the one tha' wanted 'em! Take 'em!" He kicks the DVDs right toward Ramon and then takes firm hold of his cart and charges for the nearest checkout. Time to get the hell out of here before someone throws him out and then Cass sends him out for things again because he didn't get to buy them because Ramon is a Spanish jackass who likes Richard Simmons.

Ramon goes running for his check out line too. HA. He got his things started already. "They cost $100," he snarls at the lady, in re: certain female items. He /yanks/ out money as the Manager starts tromping through the store.

Cue the Imperial Death March.

Never has a man dropped things onto the conveyor faster than Lachlan does now. ZOOM. ZOOM. ZOOM. Items go flying from the cart and onto the conveyor while the bewildered cashier starts zipping him through. As soon as everything is unloaded, Lachlan starts loading the bags into the cart. ZOOM. ZOOM. ZOOM. Out comes the wallet, out comes the money, and the cashier starts picking out his change as the Scot bounces impatiently.

…they so owe me for this.

Thats the thought that goes through Eric's mind as he eyes the pair of idiots and the aproaching Manager of Doom. He turns to the cashier, smiles towards her and then nods. "I'd like to talk to a manager. Right now…" He adds as he glances up. "…that one will do. Its very important…" Pause. "…and if you don't get him over here right now, I'll just buy the store and see if he'll listen to me then."

Beam. Beam. Beam.

Yes. Look at the no limit credit cards in the wallet he pulls out. They are hypnotic.

…that should distract the manager for long enough for the boys to escape.

The manager certainly looks hypnotized, enough to step over towards Eric. "And how can Kroger help you today, sir? We're having a special on the really good potatos we keep in the back specifically for rich people."

Ramon casts a glance back. Ahh Eric. He's a good boy. He gives the guy the thumbs up, pays for his groceries, puts his foot on the cart, and…well. He's already feeling immature. He's already feeling midlife crisisy. So this is how he comes to surf the cart all the way out through the double doors and into the parking lot. His back hurts, but…you know. Never let them see you sweat.

BOOM. It was the fastest (and manliest) shopping trip ever, and Lachlan wheels out almost right after Ramon. Except he drops off his cart and picks up his bags and makes for the subway. Cass had better be willing to give him some damn good sex after this. Damn good sex.

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