Mark
Mark Lancaster
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Portrayed By Jeremy Piven
Gender Male
Date of Birth The Day The Earth Stood Still
Age 37
Zodiac Sign Shark
Aliases Marky Mark, Asshole, "You're Fired!", Liar Liar, Not That Kind Of Lawyer
Place of Birth New York City, NY, USA
Current Location New York City, NY, USA
Occupation Entertainment Lawyer, Bad Father, Worse Husband
Known Relatives Laurence Lancaster (father), Vidalia Lancaster (mother), Eric Lancaster (brother), Brett Lancaster (brother) , Lacey Lancaster (sister), Adrienne Lancaster (sister), Mae Knox (daughter?), Michelle Lancaster (daughter), Alison Lancaster (daughter), Annabelle Bianco (not quite daughter)
Significant Other Miranda Lancaster (significant), Insert Female Here (others)
Known Abilities Saving The Careers Of Child Stars Everywhere
First Appearance Who Says Romance Is Dead?

The eldest of Clan de Lancaster, Mark is the sarcastic jackass workaholic entertainment lawyer that gets his clients into more trouble than he gets them out of. Splitting his time between his crazy work hours and his insane family life, Mark teeters on the edge of a balancing act that may not end up the way he wants. Especially since he's recently moved back to New York for legal reasons that have nothing to do with a restraining order. Honest.

History

In the beginning there was Laurence and Vidalia Lancaster. The two lovebirds later had their first (and best) born son. He was named Mark Elliot, after Vidalia's grandfather. Not that there was a legacy to live up to, but it was always easier to "honor" someone when they were dead already. Vidalia could be pretty persuasive in those days. But the most important thing came in the form of combining their natural talents to provide a stable and nurturing environment for Mark to grow up in.

They failed.

Mark grew up with two things in mind. The first was that he wasn't going to be his father or affiliated with the man's business in any form or fashion. Technology wasn't his thing and it never would be. Beyond being a consumer of the latest and most expensive things. But that would come later in his life. The second thing on his mind was that he wanted to be a big time player… in whatever career he chose. From childhood he was a weasely child, twisting and playing with words to confuse his peers and teachers. He was very sarcastic and witty, at the same time he possessed a level of intelligence that kept him ahead of "the game", as it were. He was smart. Too smart for his own good.

He garnered simple popularity during high school and that's where he found a niche for his chosen career. Mock trials were held for the students to learn more about their country's crazy judicial system and Mark shined in the pretend courtroom. He graduated in the top percentile and moved right out on his own, thanks to spending his entire high school career saving up for his journey into the Real World. He had always wanted to make it on his own steam and didn't allow his parents to help him with even a dime.

Law School came next for Mark, where he attended UCLA. To put it simply, he obliterated the competition in his class and graduated with all sorts of honors. No loans to pay for thanks to the use of scholarships and other benefactors that had high hopes for the unsung Lancaster son. After busting down the bar exam and getting his license to practice, he was taken in by a small law firm and shown the ropes in the actual courtroom. He was there the better part of two years before he, well, got bored. Small claims and other mediocre cases were not his thing. He was living in Los Angeles. He needed something more than that. He needed something bigger.

Enter Mackenzie Culkin. A child star what wanted to sue his parents for everything they had and his own money. Nobody else would take the case, but Mark saw this as his opportunity to do something good for someone else… and get his name out there. The case took the better part of a year, was highly televised and thrust Mark into the limelight after his grueling win. He made tons of money off this case and did the smart thing… he started his own law firm. He had found his niche, apparently and it was entertainment law.

Even though he was focused on work for so many years, he still found the time to have a personal life. One that involved sex on a regular basis with the same woman, Miranda Knox. Not exactly the "in" thing to do in Los Angeles, but they were in love. The results of these random acts of sexual deviance resulted in the birth of two daughters: Alison and Michelle. While Mark worked his ass off to provide for his growing family, Miranda did what any good long term girlfriend and baby mama would do: she kept house and waited (im)patiently to be proposed to. Which happened the day after Mark won the Mackenzie case. They were married a month later and have been a stable enough couple ever since. What else could be expected from married life?

After the marriage and the starting of his own law firm, Lancaster and Associates, life started to blossom for Mark and his family. The cases were rolling in (considering that stars make -excellent- clientele) and the firm quickly rose to a status where it could pretty much run itself. Even after hiring a team of lawyers to assist in his budding success, Mark still felt the need to be the end-all, be-all of Lancaster and Associates. Thus his need to be the one to finalize all reports, ledgers and what-have-you. Nothing leaves the office without his signature. Once a workaholic, always a workaholic.

Nothing stays "perfect" forever, though. After a particular case took a turn for the worse (something about comedians and transvestites) and Mark took a hard loss from it, his life took a more serious turn for the worse. He become somewhat obsessed with his former client's adversary, still stuck on proving his client's innocence. It got to the point that, well, he had to get served a restraining order to keep himself away from him. After breaching that forced contract numerous times, Mark was begged by his family to get them off the west coast. After leaving his Los Angeles firm in the hands of one of his partners, Mark packed up his family and moved them back to his hometown of New York.

For three years, they've been here and things have gotten settled. Mark's gotten his license to practice law in this state, the kids have been enrolled and gotten comfortable in school and his wife has gotten herself a job. Everything seems to be going quite well for the family man.

Maybe he should finally get around to telling his family he's back home.

Timeline

  • Who Says Romance Is Dead? - The gripping tale of a married couple trying to survive the harsh realities of bad customer service and overpriced food.
  • Paperclips - Bad things happen when Mark is trapped in a store of idiocy, freeloading and red zones. School is way too expensive.
  • Spawn - A father and daughter talk about school, boys and continuing education.
  • Family Fail - Dinner with the Lancasters.

Personality

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Mark isn't exactly the best guy in the world, in any way. Though, he comes part and parcel with a few distinguishing traits that make him the man that he is. Something of a guy that people love to almost hate. He's a very focused person, to the point that he will blatantly and rudely deny thinking about anything else than what he wants to be thinking about at any given time. This makes him a workaholic to the highest definition and then some. This also leans him towards being an obsessor when it comes to things like being right or proving his point. He was never a big guy, so he always felt the need to make sure that his point was made or that he was heard. Thus the reason why he's highly vocal. That could be putting it mildly, really, since he hardly ever shuts up. Saying he's a smooth talker is incorrect. He's more like a guy that can twist words and talks so much that it's really hard to mount a defense against him and thus you end up just agreeing to get him to shut up.

Mark argues for a living, being a lawyer and all. So he tends to be overly aggressive when it comes to his life, in general. It's like he's living in one giant courtroom and everyone's on trial. He has to have things going his way or leaning towards going his way if he's going to continue to be successful and that's why he never doesn't stop talking. He's always trying to do or say whatever he can to make things flow in his direction. Unlike some of the others in the Lancaster family, he's not spoiled. He worked his ass off for what he has and continues to do so. That makes him more grounded in reality that others like him. Contrary to his shark-like nature and aggressive tendencies, Mark lives for the underdog. When the chips are down, Mark can be counted on to do the right thing.

While Mark's always been a mover and shaker when it comes to his work, his home life is much different. He's a family man and loves his wife and kids with everything inside of him. He shows it in funny ways like smacking Miranda on the ass at random or giving his teenage daughter a credit card, but those things are always better than just being mushy. Mark doesn't know how to be romantic or anything like that. He's just a well-off entertainment lawyer that tries his hardest to do whatever he needs to do in order to provide for his family and keep them in the lifestyle that they've become accustom to. He deals with his family issues the same way he deals with a cross examination, which may or may not actually be a good thing.

Mark has issues with his anger, but they stem from not being able to control his temper at times. He doesn't become violent or anything, as he's not much for senseless violence (unless it's for a good cause or in an awesome action flick) he just becomes a real jackass. His temper flares up and so does his attitude, which tends to present the world with his biting sarcasm that nobody's come to love, just yet. Well, maybe Miranda, but she doesn't honestly count. Even when he's not angry, Mark can be a real prick sometimes. But he has to be, in order to survive in the business that he's chosen to redefine. It's all good-natured ribbing, to him. If he, for whatever reason, honestly doesn't like someone, he'd literally just disavow any knowledge of their existence.

Behind The Sarcasm

Bad Husband

The Fling The Alibi Grade
Gwen Working Late B-
Halle Berry's Sister Business Trip A++
Sally Struthers Brunch C
Elisabeth Shue Business Meeting D
3 Raiders Cheerleaders Freebie B
Maria Lopez Housekeeper Interview A-

Spoken Like A True…

Miranda: This is my wife. I love her, I guess. We have our ups (sex) and our downs (everything else) and one day, maybe we'll actually be a happy couple. Doubt it, though. Anyway, nobody can mess with her but me. She does her thing, I do mine and that's pretty much the gist of it. How the hell we're a match made in anything? I dunno. Shit happens.

Mae: Not my kid. I'll feed the little mongrel, though. Until she's 18.

Michelle: Ah. My first daughter. I thought she'd be my only one. Ah well. Anyway, according to the Unofficial Code of Fathers and Big Brothers, I have to protect her from all men, boys, lizards and wangs. So back off, buttercup.

Alison: My little princess. My heart. My angel. How she came out of my wife? I don't no. But it doesn't matter to me. She can do know wrong. Even if she's caught red-handed.

Annabelle: Who the hell is this girl? EVERY TIME I come home… she's there. Does she have a key?!

Eric: Ah, my baby brother. He's something special. And we all know what special means. He can be a pain in the ass… all the time. But that's because he's my father's son. Anyway, he's pretty much the only one in my family that I like.

Work Study

Lancaster & Associates

Asshole founder aside, Lancaster & Associates is actually a very prestigious law firm. They deal mostly in cases of an entertainment, high profile or celebrity nature and they cost more money than the average person could possibly imagine. There are ways of getting around this, but they usually involve sexual favors of some kind and then some. There are two main offices, one in Los Angeles and one in New York. Mark collects moolah from both, which makes him quite the shining dollar sign.

Clientele

Something of a hot shot lawyer, Mark has dealt with all sorts of Hollywood hassles and then some. Below is a list of some of his more important cases, clients and other crap that's all logistically legal. Anyway, check it out.

  • Robert Downey, Jr.: This guy was in more trouble with the law than all of the Godfather movies combined. Still, the great Mark Lancaster managed to get him off the hook multiple times and Mr. Junior is now one of his regular clients. Mark would leave his mother's funeral to save Robert's career.
  • Mackenzie Culkin: The crazy child star of All Alone, All Alone 2: Lost In Malasyia and All Alone: The Animated Series, this little blond brat causes Mark more headaches than anything else. Still, though, it's a steady paycheck. Especially, considering how many drugs this kid is on.
  • Diddy: Apparently, this guy has as many names as he has run-ins with the law. So Diddy has taken up the great representation of Mark Lancaster. "If the gun didn't shoot, give my client the boot." How that managed to work, even Mark is surprised at. Still, though, it got 'er done. And now Diddy comes over for dinner every other Sunday. He's eaten with Mark's kids more than Mark has.

Quotes

  • "The fact of the matter is that the longer you sit here, with your lips poked out in a pout that makes you look like you're auditioning for a collagen commercial, the longer you're going to waste both your time and my time. And I don't have time to waste time. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to go upstairs, take off those clothes, burn them, and put on something decent or I will personally shred every single ounce of rebellious confidence you've garnered in the sixteen years you've been on this Earth. And then I'll tell your mother." - GQ Magazine, 2006
  • "Look, I don't give a damn if you have to waltz into his office, bend him over his desk and fuck him thirteen ways from Sunday… you get it done! I'm not going to lose this client because you're not gay enough to make it happen! What the hell do I pay you for?!" - Who Says Romance Is Dead?
  • "So you're fuckin' the pool boy now? Not bad. I thought he was a little young for you, but I guess you've lowered your standards from having a dick to almost having one. Good call!" - Who Says Romance Is Dead?
  • "Hey! Penguin! Get my drink over her pronto! If I'm not drunk, I can't fuck my wife. And if I can't fuck my wife, she fucks the pool boy. And that makes me, her husband, a very angry person. And you don't want an angry customer, do you?" Pause. "Oh and bring her some wine too." - Who Says Romance Is Dead?
  • "You tell that nineteen year old son of a whore that I said he better get his ass to the office. I know where he likes to move it, move it and if he doesn't move it into the office by the time I get there, I will put in a call to the ASPCA, buy seventeen hungry mongrels, tie him to a chair, naked and let them feast on his kibbles and bits!" - Paperclips
  • "Child. You are not mine. Which means that I am not responsible for what pitfalls may happen to you in a dangerous store such as Paperclips. Watch your step. I hear wet floors may cause me to break your neck." - Paperclips
  • "AND WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET MILEY CYRUS OFF THE PA SYSTEM BEFORE I SUE THIS GODFORSAKEN CORPORATION FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER VIS-A-VIS BAD FUCKIN' MUSIC!" - Paperclips
  • "Alright. Listen up Lil' Whorphan Annie. I don't even know how you got here. I locked the back doors. But you're here. And ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME. So do yourself a favor, go find my wife, put all your little school supply crap in her cart, spread her legs and crawl up into her womb and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" - Paperclips
  • "A reservation? A reservation? Do you know who I am? No. No you don't. You want to know why you don't? I'll tell you. It's because you're a sniveling, bucktoothed, pimple-faced, college drop out that can't afford to go back home and live under Mommy's protective bosom in hopes of getting someone to throw you a bone that you can catch IN YOUR ASS and finally give in to the homosexual urges that have been welling up inside you for the first seventeen years of your useless life. So don't you DARE try to stand there and tell me I can't do something when I make more than enough money to buy, sell, auction off and preferably have you bronzed as a pile of worthless ferret vomit and thrown onto the mantle for old time's sake. Now if you don't turn around and waddle your little penguin ass back up to the front, the only reservations I'm going to be making are with 911, so they can come and help me remove my foot from your mother's ass." - Family Fail

Trivia

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