2007-05-27: Ninjas, Pirates And Doctors


Jack_icon.gif Cass_icon.gif Lachlan_icon.gif


Doctor Dickstein and T.J.


Jack and Lachlan visit Cass in the hospital. She's being treated by two very interesting doctors and there's almost a brawl in Cass' room. Jack gets told.

May 27th, 2007:

Ninja, Pirates and Doctors

Beth Israel Hospital

Late afternoon. Jack looks a lot more human today. He's scraped away some of that excess facial hair, thrown on clothes that both fit and are clean, and is bearing gifts! That's right, one arm is loaded down with a hefty paper bag that clanks glassily as he limps through the ICU. The other is occupied by a largish silver vase full of pretty yellow flowers that Jack doesn't know the name of. He hasn't slept and looks decidedly pale, but appears in high spirits anyway. He's whistling quietly, occasionally slipping in a few words of mumbled song as well. "… in the bushes.~"

Even though Cass is awake and on lots of drugs, that seems to have sent the doctoring staff into a huge tizzy with checking vitals, stitches, the whole kit and kaboodle. In other circumstances this would leave her quite upset and edgy. However, she's on drugs! So that makes everything okay. She's still very fuzzy on what all happened after she got shot, but no one seems up to explaining it to her and she hasn't had the presence of mind to ask. Or wonder how it is that she came through it all so miraculously. Still dressed in a hospital gown, the bed is tilted upwards so she's more or less sitting up and can see who may be talking to her. She look more dreamy and out of it than anything else.

Which can't be said for Lachlan, who is almost beside himself. All the fuss and bustling around Cass is making him nervous to no end, and while he /did/ leave briefly to run home and walk Bonnie, it wasn't long enough for the doctors to finish their business and leave. So now the Scot sits nearby, doing his very best not to leap into the thick of things and bust a few faces.

Bag in one hand. Flowers in the other. Gotta knock, though. Have to knock. What if she's sleeping? What if she's /naked?/ Hey. What if she's naked? :D

Turning sideways, Jack akwardly hips the door open and backs through. "Wakey, wakey. Hands off snakey," he murmurs pleasantly. Then he spots the doctors. Enter Sheepish Jack. "Uh… So. HEY. SHE'S AWAKE." He blushes and lowers his voice to a stage whisper. "She's awake. Yay!"

The current intern taking vitals and checking on the stitches is dressed in those typical blue scrubs. He's a pleasant enough guy, trying to keep up the small talk by making stupid jokes and mostly ignoring the fact that Cass' answers aren't very coherent.

"The smurfs, right, Miss Aldric?" The intern laughs and gives Lachlan a wink. "Man. I loved the Smurfs as a kid." Then, he pauses in what he's doing and tilts his head a little to the side and looks to the right. This continues for a few moments until he laughs to himself and says, "I'd need to get a lot of blue paint." Who /is/ this guy? And who let him practice medicine?

Cass smiles at Jack when he comes in and waves a weak wave. "Jack! Shhhh. Watch out. The pirates are warring with the ninjas in the next room. If you're not careful, they'll try to recruit you. The ninjas are /vicious/."

"OOOoooookay," A loud male voice booms and a man - presumably the actual doctor in a white coat and all - strides into the room. "Someone needs to lay the lady off the /crazy pills/." Then he gives a sharp whistle. "Newbie. Chart." The intern whisks over to his side and holds up the chart for the doctor with curly hair. "Look. I even signed our names so they were right next to each other! Like they belonged," the intern almost giggles. "Newbie. If you so much as look at me again in the next fifteen minutes this chart will be so far down your throat I'll have to cut your stomach open to find out what I need to know."

Those sentiments are shared by Lachlan. It's very obvious by his expression. When Jack enters, he looks almost relieved. "Hey," he grunts in greeting, his face reading, "Please save me from these freaks."

His humor now shelved, Jack limps over to place the flowers near the windowsill. Thoroughly embarassed by his own graceless entry, he's subdued as he moves over to stand guard beside Lachlan. He jiggles the paper bag, producing another barely audible clank. "Moray, as promised," he whispers. This is set aside as well. "So what are they doing?"

At Jack's question, Cass ignores both her doctor and the intern that was treating her earlier. "They had a /huge/ fight over the water fountain out front. I think the ninjas wanted it for a koi pond or something. But the pirates, they claimed it /centuries/ ago. As an /ancient burial ground/ for mutineers. Now they're fighting over the land rights. I think the ninjas are winning because they have stealth on their side." It would be funny if she didn't sound so /serious/ about it. It's like she's confiding some sort of secret history to Jack. "Tell him, Lachlan. You were telling me about the latest pirate attack a second ago."

Doctor Dickstein - the curly haired doctor - listens to this with a puzzled expression on his face. "Weeeell. I didn't see in your chart that you also had a case of the raging crazies, but I can pencil that right in here next to the three bullet wounds." And he pretends to do so with a large imaginary pencil. "The scalpel jockeys you got tossed onto /didn't/ manage to kill you and you seem to be making a remarkable recovery. And do you know why that is?" "Oh! Me! I know why! Pick me!" The intern raises his hand excitedly. "Drusilla. I hope to God that you are raising your hand to check out your new ladies deodorant because if it's to try and answer my question I will not be responsible for my next actions." Slowly, the intern lowers his hand and looks forlorn. "Right. As I was saying. Do you know why that is? Because I am just that good. And you're gonna be fine, Miss Aldric."

Lachlan manages another smile when Jack announces that he's brought liquid refreshment. /Just/ what the Scotsman needs to deal with this circus. "Thank ye," he whispers back — and then Cass starts off on her rampage and he grins at her tiredly. "Nah, baby, later. 'Ll tell 'im inna bit." Yeah, someone's been humoring the crazies. Which has been extremely amusing — but not when Doctor Dickstein starts being insulting. It's fine when he's that way toward his gaggle of idiots, but not when he's that way toward Cass. Boom. Grin gone. Now Lachlan's just annoyed. "Oy," he growls at the doctor. "Piss off. She's been through hell an' she's on a cocktail." Also, it wasn't Doctor Dickstein who made her better, so he can choke on something long and phallic.

Jack looks offended. This doctor offends him. He steps up beside Lachlan, and for a moment it seems like he wants to say something about it. He even opens his mouth. Then, a few seconds later, he snaps it closed again. "That guy is scarier than I am," he confides to the Scot. This is not a prideful moment for him. So instead, he decides to tackle the lesser of the two evils. The intern. "You," he points. "Have girly hair."

"Ohhh. Tough guy." Dickstein tosses the chart at 'Drusilla' and stares at Lachlan. "Now, lemme tell you something, tough guy. She's had three bullets lodged in her shoulder, stomach area and lung. It took one damn fine surgeon to get those out and we're doing everything we can to make sure she doesn't get an infection and die and ruin all the work we've done. So, maybe once you've gone to three years of med school and completed your residency, you can possibly be as competent as Buffy, here." The intern gives a near ecstatic giggle. "Doooon't get too proud of yourself, there, Wonderbra. I just compared you to a Limey who stinks of enough scotch to possibly cover what I had before I woke up this morning." Dickstein isn't even looking at the young intern while he says this. His focus is entirely on Lachlan.

Jack's words sting the intern, who runs his hands through his hair. "Is it because of the lilac smell? Because it /said/ unisex on the jar. Fin told me it was a /manly/ flower smell." He's almost pouting.

"Woah." Cass, from her bed, looks down at herself as if she can see them through the sheets and then her hospital gown. "I was shot three times? That's /crazy/. Hey. Hey. Lachlan. Ask them about my feet. Make sure they gave me the right ones." Because she was worried about that before.

The doctor may be scarier than Jack (or so Jack thinks), but Lachlan is not afraid of him. The Scotsman rises to his feet, because a lot of those words in that fast blob of sentences didn't sound friendly, and he really doesn't like that. "Yeah, I know wha' she's been through, but yer callin' 'er crazy s'no' somethin' I like."

… and Cass isn't helping her case any. The Scotsman jaw sets and he glances at her, waving a hand. "Yer feet 'r fine, baby, the ninjas made sure ye got the righ' ones." A look is given to the doctor — it says, 'One word, and I'll reach down your throat, grab your balls, and yank them up between your teeth'.

Jack blinks. He wants to yell at this kid. He wants to scream. He wants to say a lot of things. He just sighs and shakes his head, though. "Where the fuck do I start?"

Now it's time to back Lachlan up with Dr. Dickmouth. No more being a pansy. Jack steps up beside his friend and squares off with the doctor. "I have to agree," he says. "Maybe you should leave us to handle the ninjas on our own. I haven't been to Asia, but I've seen a lot of Jackie Chan movies." Deadpan. Utter deadpan. I dare you to laugh, Dickmouth.

Instead of taking Lachlan's words as fighting words, Dr. Dickstein just raises his eyebrows and smiles. "Really. Hey. Miss Aldric. What was that about the ninjas?"

"They're waiting to just /ninja star/ you when you leave. But they took care of my feet. So…I think they may be partly benevolent. Maybe you need to make them an offering." Cass /certainly/ isn't helping her case. And this only makes Dr. Dickstein put up his hands in the, 'oh how can I be this smart' sort of gesture.

"Thank you Miss Aldric. The nurses will be in to give you some extra special ice cream for proving that once again Doctor Dickstein is always right. Welcome to the winning team." In the background Cass sounds amazed. "I won something?" Ignoring her, Dr. Dickstein continues. "Look, she's on so much pain medication to knock out a full grown elephant. Of course she's crazy. Now come on guys. Getting worked up certainly isn't going to help her recover. She'll come down off her high, we'll hope that she's not addicted to all the morphine we're pumping through her bloodstream and we'll move on. And Jackie Chan movies? Really? Man points would have been awarded for Bruce Lee. Otherwise you're just embarrassing yourself."

Behind Doctor Dickstein the intern starts to sway a little. It's possible to hear him singing 'Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting'. Then, he starts and leans over to the Doctor. "Is Bruce Lee one of those football players you were telling me about?"

He may not have taken them as fighting words, but Doctor Dickstein is not winning points. At all. Lachlan's jaw tightens, but he shows remarkable restraint and doesn't attempt to pummel the man. Instead, his ire is turned on the intern: with a roll of his eyes he snaps, "Jesus Fuckin' Christ, /shut yer bloody piehole/." There's only so much he can /take/. And when he can't beat up the doctor, he can beat up the intern.

Jack squints at Doctor Dickmouth. He is no longer intimidated. He's back to being full-force offended. He's more than willing to pick up where Lachlan left off. "Jackie Chan is a badass," he states flatly. "You're not fit to wash his jock with your tounge. Now seriously, you should shut up. I have no issue with getting up to my neck in your ass, you hear me?"

An instant after the words leave his lips, Jack realizes exactly what he just said. His right eye twitches visibly, but he stands his ground.

Some people obviously just cannot handle genius. These two are part of those people. Dr. Dickstein makes a gesture like he's brushing dirt off of his nose and then crosses his arms tightly across his chest and glowers at both Lachlan and Jack. "Hey. Princess Bride. You want to tell these jokers whose hospital this is? I can get you two tossed out of here so fast your accent will still be wondering where the hell it puts those Ts you leave out of your speech. So if you want to keep sitting by this young lady's bed, I'd make damn sure you don't piss off the wrong people. But, if you really want to take this outside and try and make a man out of me, I'd be real careful, sweetheart. Because this isn't exactly my first time."

The intern, T.J., nods solemnly throughout most of this. And then he leans over and raises a finger as if he was asking a question in class. "Just a question. You're Scottish right? There's just this rumor going around that Scotsmen don't actually wear anything under their kilts. And, let me tell you, I tried that at the last hospital costume contest and the boys /definitely/ felt a little exposed, if you know what I mean." He's trying to defuse the situation! Really, he is.

If anyone could embody an ellipsis entirely, it's Lachlan right this moment. He stares at T.J. for a good long, hard while. Then, there's only one thing more left to say: "The /fuck/'d ye just say ta me?" Run, T.J.. Run fast, run far. Because you suck at defusing things.

Even with their powers combined, Jack and Lachlan are losing an asshole contest to one and a half men. Jack does not like this, but it's clear that the situation is far more unpleasant for Lachlan. Dutifully, the Irishman steps up and shifts tactics on the fly. "Ok," he murmurs under his breath, barely loud enough for the other man to hear. "If you need to be a fuckin' dick to assert yourself, that's fine. You can be a dick to me all you want. But if you don't leave him alone," he points at Lachlan. "I /will/ take you up on your offer to go outside. And I'll push the front of your face out the back of your head."

Now, T.J. isn't the manliest of men. That is made evident when he all but wilts under Lachlan's glare and accusation. "So that's a no, then." He's suddenly faced with a very large very angry Scotsman and it does not bode well.

"Fly away, Newbie. Fly away." Dr. Dickstein makes a fleeing motion with his hand and that's all T.J. needs. "I'll be back to check your vitals in a couple hours, Miss Aldric. Okay, so you'll get back to me on that kilt thing, right? You know what? Nevermind. I'll google that." And off he flies out into the hallway.

That just leaves the Doctor and the two boys from the British Isles. The arms are back to being crossed in front of him and the whisper from Jack gives him a mock thoughtful expression on his face. Then, in a stage whisper, not at all soft enough to cover what he's about to say, he continues, "Pssst. Here's a news flash. If you really wanted to pick a fight with me, I wouldn't do it with a huge bag filled with bottles of things /not allowed/ in a hospital right at your feet." Then, louder. "Iiiii'll just be taking those." And then, he makes to swipe the bag that Jack had so thoughtfully brought for Lachlan. "My shift's over in a about eight hours. I'll gladly school you on how we do it here, Jewish Style for my Beth Israel folks right out in the park and then I'll then drink a bottle of your own booze over your unconscious body. Cheers." Bag clinking, he slips the chart back on the foot of Cass' bed. "Keep up the morphine, Miss Aldric. The ninjas will be in to attend to you soon."

Cass smiles at Dr. Dickstein and replies, "Heeey. Doctor. Your /hair/ is really curly."

"Your darn tootin' it is."

… that … that is /Lachlan's booze/. Which /Jack brought/. /FOR HIM/. Barely has he finished glowering T.J. out of the room when his liquid comfort is spirited away. He can only stand and stare (because he really doesn't want to get banned from the hospital). He'll go out and brawl with someone later. Someone who isn't associated with the hospital with the sway to kick his ass to the curb.

First Jack makes this face: :O Then he makes this face. D8

He also doesn't want to get banned from the premises, or he'd be losing his mind. So he does what Lachlan does. Stands there like an ass with his mouth hanging open. Because he just got told.

Throughout this whole little episode, Cass has been off and on watching and looking up at the TV, that is still off and watching what must be an unaired episode of cartoons. Once both T.J. and Dr. Dickstein is out of the room. It's quiet again. And that confuses Cass. Where did her doctor go? And why does Lachlan and Jack look so upset. /Strange/. "The pirates haven't started their second assault, have they?" This is something that she can understand them worrying about.

The staring contest with the exit is brought to an end when Cass speaks up. Lachlan lets out a quiet sigh, then turns to face her. "Yeah, baby. But dunna worry, the doc took away the bottled ships they wanted, so they'll no' come in here." He shrugs his shoulders at Jack — what can you do? — then heads back to his seat at Cass' bedside and plops into it with a heavy sigh.

"Oh yeah?" Jack threatens the back of the closed door. "Well /fuck/ you!" He waves both hands dramatically and relocates one of the four bottles of Glen Moray he'd brought for Lachlan. Taking them all would be a little too reckless, but that doesn't mean he didn't think about it. "Mamby-pamby ponce with his curly hair and his too-big teeth…" the Irishman mutters under his breath as he passes the bottle over to Lachlan. Now that everyone has some space, he approaches Cass's bedside. "Hey Lady-o. I can't stay long, but I promise I'll come back when I know your pig-fellating doctor isn't around. Feel better, ok?"

"Hey Jack!" It's like Cass is just remembering that Jack is here. Forgive her, drugs do weird things to her memory. "Okay. That'll be good. If you bring a parrot for the pirates, I think that might help the situation. You're more of a pirate than a ninja. Anyway, I think the ninjas have a weird initiation ritual dealing with blowfish." Who knows what she's talking about anymore. "And I hope he remembered to put red sails on those bottled ships. If not they pirates will retaliate something fierce." Pause. Big smile. "Bye Jack!"

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