Starring:
Summary: Heidi. Niki. A motel room.
Date It Happened: March 7th, 2008
Not Good Enough
New York City
It's been quiet and boring for the last couple weeks since Heidi moved back to a hotel in New York City. She's been in contact with Peter, of course, but as far as Heidi knows, no one really knows she's alive. Besides Niki, of course, who Peter trusts enough to take that risk. Heidi herself isn't nearly the same as she was before, despite the time she's had to get used to everything that's been going on. That sort of thing leaves a mark on someone - more than just the ugly scar down one side of her face, or the lacerations across her chest.
It hurts more than that, but she's trying to be okay with it. Strong, if she can. The idea that she can at least take care of herself is empowering, but Nathan's turn has left her with a bitterness, an edge. Not necessarily for the worst.
It's a nice day outside, and Heidi's standding outside her motel room on the long walkway that runs in front of all the doors. She's looking out across an expressway. Not really picturesque, but good enough. In some capacity, Heidi kind of hopes that Nathan randomly appears and sees her there. She's tired of hiding… But she likes living, too.
As they're wont to do at motels, a yellow taxicab pulls into the parking lot and drops someone off. Heidi has an unlikely visitor. Unlikely only out of the strange context they've found themselves in; in reality, she's one of the very few people who could possibly be visiting Heidi.
As she hands the driver a few bills and climbs out, the blonde in her typically tight jeans might not be readily recognizable, however; a multitude of hair spills down in lose waves, more voluminous than the severe ponytail she was sporting the last time. Large, dark glasses hide most of her face. A lightweight tan jacket, left open, follows behind her as she saunters toward the motel and the cab drives off in her wake.
As she leans on the railing, looking down at the freeway across the parking lot, she notes the cab pulling up, but doesn't think too much of it, at first. There are a lot of blonde women in New York, and surely many of them wear sunglasses! When Heidi's eyes stray toward the woman, though, she can see who it is, and waves.
Off to the side, perhaps ten doors down from where Heidi's standing, there's a stairway leading up the handful of floors to where her room is located. "Hey," she calls downward, pushing off the railing so she can meet the other woman somewhere around halfway. Upon reaching the stairs, she stops, waiting for Niki to head up.
Niki heads straight for that stairway, tipping her head up once to look up toward Heidi. Behind those dark glasses, it's hard to say whether or not she saw her before the wave and "hey" or not. Meeting Heidi halfway at the landing, she has no smile, nothing at all for the other woman until she looks down toward the parking lot and freeway … to make sure she wasn't followed. "Hey. It's been awhile, so I figured…"
"Can always use a little company. Come on." Blue eyes watch Niki for awhile, before Heidi turns away and heads for the room. The motel is nice, if not a little old… The floor creaks underfoot at places as they step across it. "Suppose you have a reason for coming, though?" Heidi asks, looking over her shoulder before digging the card key out of her pocket, and opening her door.
Given that the drapes are drawn, the room is somewhat dark. On the dresser, there's a small cage with a hamster in it, who's running around in a wheel, at the moment. She needed something to take care of, so the little rodent was about the best she could figure. Since Spica disappeared, she hasn't really wanted anything she could get attached to.
"Know anything about Nathan? How's he holding up?"
Turning on a few lights, she heads for the room's small fridge, and pulls out a couple beers. She hands one over. After everything, Heidi still loves him, she's just crushed under the weight of everything Logan's done.
Niki's serious expression — what can be seen of it — says enough. Yeah, she has a reason for being here. After she steps inside and shuts the door behind her, Niki slides her shades up onto her head, pushing her hair back and revealing blue eyes that watch Heidi in turn. They're shadowed by darkened lashes and a bit of violet shimmer for eyeshadow. Despite the other woman's hospitality, she doesn't look comfortable in the motel room; glancing about, quietly seeming to take in the details. "I wish I could tell you," she answers dully, her lacklustre actually belying her sincerity. She wishes she had good news. She takes the beer on automatic. "I haven't seen much of Nathan. I know Logan's been busy."
Heidi's expecting bad news, so seeing that look on Niki's face doesn't really worry her. Everything seems to be bad news lately. Sitting at the table, she opens the beer, then procedes to allow it to sit in front of her without touching it just yet. Hearing about Logan makes her angry, and the scowl on Heidi's face is becoming far too normal lately.
"I wonder if I should call him," she mutters. Maybe her staying out of the picture completely isn't doing anything for him. Maybe Nathan would benefit from knowing she's alive. Even so, she's scared for her own life. Thinking about doing something and actually doing it… Those are two different stories. "What's he been doing?" There's a pause, and then, "I really don't know if I can ever… Nathan's in there. He just… I don't know if I can forgive him."
Niki sets the beer down on the table and sits across from Heidi. She doesn't take off her coat; it's light, anyway. "Business," she answers vaguely, with a hint of cynicism. Downcast toward the table for several moments, she starts to adopt a scowl, but suddenly leans forward onto her forearms to look at Heidi. "Look, when I … was going through the same thing Nathan is — Jessica … that was— " She doesn't elaborate, just glancing away for an instant. "She tried to kill my husband. Woulda, too, if he hadn't gotten lucky. Just like you did. Did Peter tell you what happened when he met Jessica? I don't forgive myself for what I've done." Niki leans back in her seat, her expression hard. "But some people are better at forgiving than others."
It's amazing how people name their alternate personalities. It's… interesting ann deadly that a person could be two independent people completely. Why is there always a good twin and an evil twin? Why can't there be two separate, equally good people?
Heidi looks down at her hands. "I know it's not Nathan's fault. I know this is an illness, but… I'm…" For awhile, she's just silent, looking down, thinking about how to put it. "I hurt. And I don't know how many times I'm going to have luck on my side before it runs out. I just… I'm human. We all are. I can't help thinking that Nathan could be doing something, that he could have prevented this if he wanted to. Just like when he…"
Why not just say it? There's no reason to hold anything back anymore. Her nerves are raw, her feelings are frayed. "I can forgive him. I just wonder how many times I can do it before I end up dead. Awhile ago, he… wasn't… faithful. I know this isn't the same of that, but I… compare." He could have stopped that. He could stop this.
All the more on edge, out of place, Niki squares her shoulders and pointedly looks away from Heidi. At the drapes covering the window, at the bed, at the hamster — anything, in that instant, except for Nathan's wife. She curls her hands around the unopened beer. Despite alluding to the forgiveness of her husband, she's not wearing her wedding ring "Nathan was trying to prevent this," she says, meeting the woman's eyes again, defensive. After all, saying Nathan could have done something to prevented Logan's appearance — his actions — is essentially the same as saying Niki could have prevented Jessica. "It's not the same," she agrees sternly. "You can't compare something like this to a— " She spends a second choosing the right words; it doesn't wind up being exactly what she means, but it'll do. " —a lapse in judgment."
"It's not fair," Heidi agrees. "I know. I read everything I could find, I asked doctors I know about it, I … know, that it's not Nathan's fault. That when something like this happens? It's like saying you can prevent cancer." Or any illness. Depression. Sometimes, Heidi feels like she's heading down that road. She's certainly shutting things out lately, and the things that do happen, she very rarely cares about.
"It's not the same." But the things that have happened build up, and now… "
Maybe not the best comparison. "I don't feel safe anymore. Not just physically, but… I've always considered myself to be stable. And not knowing what's going to happen to Nathan next…" She laughs, quietly. "A lapse of judgement."
Niki's jaw tightens. "I wish I could tell you it'll get easier." She flashes a tense, faintly gauche smile of sympathy. She decides that drink has sat there long enough and opens it, downing a quick sip. "I came here because— I saw some of what Pinehearst's doing, and… it's just… it has to stop," she says, determined. "The things that Logan's involved with…" She gives her head a shake, obviously moved — and not in a good way — by whatever it was she witnessed. Whatever it is she knows. "And unless we stop him, or unless Nathan stops him, he's not showing any signs of slowing down any time soon. He wants the White House."
"If I could have a day where there was nothing I had to worry about, I'd be happy," she says, finally taking a sip of her beer finally. She doesn't like the taste, but she's kind of getting used to it. Her interest diverts from her own sob story to the talk of Pinehearst.
On one hand, she doesn't want to know. It's just more strikes against her husband. But it's not Nathan, it's another person entirely.
Maybe that's where the determination finally comes from. If he does too much more, Heidi's going to have to leave him, and she doesn't want to. The White House? The presidency? No. He can't have it.
It might be time to go to him. Reach out to him.
"What can I do?" Heidi asks. This time, she's not going to take 'stay out of the way' as an answer.
Niki settles closer to the edge of her chair, leaning onto her elbows as she gestures with her hands on either side of her drink. "You can help bring out Nathan." She never used to be the planning type, not for things like this, the schemes, the taking charge — but, well, she's learned a thing or several from her alter ego. "I'm thinking, I get him out've Pinehearst, distract him, Peter can get the jump on him— we lock him up… let him see you where it's safe." On the heels of her decisive plan is a furrowed brow, a softening expression. "I didn't want it to come to this, but— " She shrugs; it's all she can do. "If we don't, someone out there will, and it's better us than them."
Heidi was never much of a planner, either. Unlike Jessica and Nathan, she doesn't have an alter-ego, other than the seperate name she's given herself. Angel. That's mostly for Nathan, though, and like any guardian angel, she's given him a chance for him to fix things himself. Now it's time to step in. "I had to see him some time," Heidi says, a hint of a smile appearing for a second. It disappears, though.
"Not good enough," she says. "I can't fly like Nathan, or… Do whatever you do, but I want to do something besides … waiting." It's sort of self-destructive, but she's had a taste of adventure lately. It's hard to go back to doing nothing. "Let me help. Like you can't use another person for this?"
Skeptical, Niki considers Heidi's insistence. More than skeptical, she's concerned — but Heidi's probably seen a lot of that lately. "Depends how it goes down," she says tightly after a moment, sitting back. "It could happen fast." She concedes enough to add, "I have to talk to Peter anyway."
"I'm going with you," she says. There's a spark of life in her eyes at that point. To actually do something, rather than sit around in this cheap motel for another night? Allowing the freeway to lull her to sleep yet again, wondering if Nathan is still alive or if Logan has taken him over and destroyed him completely? Can't do it. In case she's sounding desperate - and, God forbid, annoying, she adds, "Please, Niki. I don't really have anything to go back to if all this goes wrong. At least let me say I tried."
"I can't promise it won't be more waiting," Niki says. It's an agreement. Of sorts. "But I know what it's like to feel helpless. I know you want to help. He's your husband." And she's just— someone who understands. Niki reaches into a deep pocket of her coat, fishing out a small silver cell phone. It takes about one second to dial the right number; this phone is used for little else. She brings it to her ear and waits… and waits… and gradually, lines etch their way into her forehead. She lowers the phone, looking down at it. "That was Peter. There was no answer."
Someone not picking up their phone isn't odd, necessarily, but given the fact that Peter's been picking up every call from Heidi since he gave her the pay-as-you-go cellphone, it's kind of worrysome. Maybe it's different with Niki.
Heading over to her dresser, she takes her phone from her purse and dials her brother-in-law. She waits. And waits. In the end, she doesn't leave a message, because if someone has gotten ahold of his phone, they'd be able to track the message back to Heidi. Her voice is pretty distinguishable. "He'll call back," she says, though, like Niki, she's fairly worried about the fact that he didn't pick up right away. "He might just be busy."
Niki didn't leave a message for the very same reason. She's still looking down at the phone when Heidi returns from trying on her own, though she's turned in the chair by then; her back is to Heidi, but she looks over her shoulder. "Yeah, probably." She starts to get up, easily pushing off with a hand on the table's edge. "I should go." There's a pause as she glances around the motel room. "…Do you need anything?"
"I…" Want to go. The look she gives Niki is almost angry. Almost childish, in fact. Her eye twitches a little. She's not going to be able to do anything right now. Leaving would only put her at risk. "Promise you're not going to leave me out of this," is her answer. That's what she needs. Everything else, she can take care of on her own… Heidi's getting good at keeping a low profile, even in New York, where people actually know who she is. "And, Niki…" The next question is mostly her own curiosity. "What is it… that you can do?"
"I promise," Niki says as she slips the phone back into her pocket. She turns to face Heidi with a small smile on her lips. It's barely there, but it's something, and it's sincere. "I'll call you. Soon, I'll call."
She starts for the door, tugging her sunglasses from her head and letting lose an overflow of blonde; touching the handle of the door, she stops, hesitates. She reaches out to the side, plucking a letter opener engraved with the motel name from a small table; weaving her fingers around it, it suddenly, sharply snaps in two. Cheap metal, but it shouldn't break like a popsicle stick. That's her answer to Heidi's question. She tosses the pieces on back on the table and smiles over her shoulder. "…I'll… replace that." She opens the door, steps out.
"Good, thanks," Heidi says, also sincerely, even if there's not a lot there too show her gratitude. So she waits here, for another day, another week… A month? More? Who knows. But she trusts Niki when she says she'll call.
For some reason, Heidi really didn't expect the other woman to snap the letter opener in half. There's a small jump when it happens, though following that - at some point soon after Niki leaves - she smiles. That was really interesting, actually.
And now, Heidi can see why Jessica was so damn dangerous.