Parker St. James!
Portrayed By Mika
Gender Male
Date of Birth August 23rd
Age 26
Zodiac Sign Virgo
Place of Birth New York City, NY, USA
Current Location New York City, NY, USA
Occupation Yoga Instructor
Known Relatives Roger (father), Cindy (mother), Yolanda (sister, younger)
Significant Other None
Known Abilities Wasting his brilliance
First Appearance SQUEE!


"And I told my poor worried father, I ain't gonna go to school no more…"

New York. The esteemed Cindy St. James gives birth to her first-born, a son; her husband, Roger misses the labor while out for drinks with buddies celebrating a landmark number of won cases for his Washington branch. Not being there for Parker’s birth marked the first of a string of disappearances Roger would pull throughout his son’s life, though he managed to expect things to get done his way in his absence sure enough. And if things weren’t exactly how he imagined them on those rare days he /was/ around… well, he was as heavy-handed in his home as he was in court running a major criminal law firm.

Life the rest of the time was a breeze for Parker St. James, who sat in the lap of his parents’ luxury and… did very little. Sure, he was pushed to do all sorts of activities by an overbearing mother, but very few times did he actually get into them in any huge capacity. He just went along with however things went—which he only got away with because of marked intelligence, even at a young age. Everything was easy; everything was boring.

Even Yolanda, daddy’s little princess, being born didn’t manage to take enough pressure away from the son. High-school began the vague first steps of sliding out of his parents’ shadow, but still living in the same state as them, and still returning home every night, put a damper on that. It wasn’t until planning for college that Parker really stepped out: he picked somewhere far, far away.

At Berkeley, Parker passed his classes because he could; he also triple-majored because he could—and because it was, like, really annoying having to pick a track and stick with it and only it. He probably would have wandered away from education even sooner if not for meeting Janet. The two became fast friends, study buddies, and it was Janet’s decision to go to medical school that inevitably piqued Parker’s interest in it enough to even apply. Previously, it had been along he lines of: “Hey, what are you thinking of doing after this?” “I don’t know, but, guess what, I just taught myself to be a ventriloquist!”

The first semesters at John Hopkin’s were exciting and interesting enough, but pressure was looming. Medical school wasn’t just learning; it was actually getting into the gritty and affecting real patients’ lives. It was also the first time the instructors were actively looking to weed out those that weren’t serious, instead of teachers and professors constantly trying to help give kids a leg up like in every school before. This reality bore down more and more on Parker until, on the night of a vital exam, he ditched to take a road-trip with an independent German rock band he’d met ten minutes ago. It didn’t take much longer for him to drop out of school entirely.

At this point, Parker basically vanished off the grid. His friends had to hear second-hand that he was even definitely gone from Hopkin’s, and he spent his first few months generally back-packing around the country for fun and sport. For many of the others, he settled in Florida working at an amusement park by day and winning DDR tournaments in the arcade by night after he’d clocked out. His furious parents tried cutting him off from their vast fortune in order to force him home, but that didn’t work. Neither did hiring a bounty hunter Roger got off on a technicality once.

No, Parker had to wander back on his own, eventually—now a newly minted yoga instructor—to see what all his friends have gotten up to in the meantime. Because, like, hey!—it’s been a while now, hasn’t it?


"I gotta fly once, I gotta try once, only can die once. Right, sir? Oh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I've gotta have my bite, sir."

  • PARKER, like, totally hooked back up with his BFF in arms, JANET McDoccyDoc. I guess he's probably gonna crash at her place for a couple of days until he finds something else to do… Oh, and she got flour in his hair! In his HAIR.
  • Okay, so, PARKER might be KIND of lazy and wake up in the evening some days. BUT at least he's there to give his little-wittle Ja-netty the pep talk she needs and, like, oodles of reassurances about how he'll either be there to notice she died or die first to support her. Oh, and he LOVES HER MORE THAN SHE LOVES HIM INFINITY +1. (beat that!)
  • So, like, as it turns out, JANET of the thousand petnames was, God's honest forbidden truth, KEEPING SECRETS from her BFF SISTAH PARKER, who tried his same honest best to do right by her with righteous anger and the silent treatment but she BROKE THROUGH with SHEER PERSISTENCE and MORE TEARS THAN IT IS NATURAL TO HAVE. They coo' now.
  • In his first official spotting WITHOUT JANET, PARKER was still kind of thinking about her because he went to go find comic books about that one superhero she said she would dress up as, like, ones during one of their rants. Anyway, there was also an apologizing GIRL-HOBO and a GUITAR-CASE there and they talked and, like, hit it off. The HOBO not the GUITAR. She mostly didn't say anything. But HOBO went for pie!
  • Oh oh. GIRL-HOBO — she has a name, it's CARRIE — ended up staying over at JANET'S, though JANET may be less aware of that. Whatever. The point is that once PARKER woke up, he greeted her with Coco Puffs and answered these random questions about his life. Mostly boring. BUT there was a promise of shopping at the end which, isn't it cute, CARRIE thought she'd actually be paying. Oh, and, she might think he's…

"So, I was sitting there at the bar and this guy comes up to me and says…"

  • Everything Parker says is MEMORABLE.

"Am I too dirty, am I too flirty, do I like what you like? I could wholesome, I could be loathesome; guess I'm a little bit shy."

  • Everything about Parker is AWESOME.

"Lifestyles of the rich and famous."

Ewan McGregor, Anne Hathaway, Christina Hendricks, Robert Downey Jr., Neil Patrick Harris

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