Kyle Porter
Portrayed By Robert Downey Jr.
Gender Male
Date of Birth [REDACTED]
Age 40ish
Zodiac Sign The same as yours.
Aliases Many
Place of Birth [REDACTED]
Current Location New York City, NY, USA
Occupation Many
Known Relatives [REDACTED]
Significant Other Many
Known Abilities [REDACTED]
First Appearance [REDACTED]

You don't know Kyle Porter.


(Despite this, some images seem to have survived.)





"His charm is so contagious, vaccines have been created for it."
"When it is raining, it is because he is thinking about something sad."
"The police often question him, just because they find him interesting."
"His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards."
"He's a lover, not a fighter… But he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas."



Class: Guardian

Level: 41

HP: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

MP: ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

EXP: ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

STR 12 CON 16 DEX 18 INT 14 CHA 13 WIS 10 WIL 20 PER 14 LUCK 11


  • MacGuyver - Improvisation is the name of the game. You'd be amazed at what a person can do with a disposable cellular phone, a bit of gasoline, and some leftover styrofoam packing material.
  • I Kiss My Sweetie With My Fist - Not always. Come on. Still, I have a knack for attracting violent women, and as we all know, violence begets violence.
  • Can't Touch This - Can't. I'm too cool for school.

Battled In The… With The… Result Loot
Ms. Two Food Court Hot Sauce BOOM! HEADSHOT Bragging Rights
Colombians Art Gallery Grain Alcohol FLAWLESS VICTORY Retained Genitals
Vasha Warehouse C4 DRAW Microdot
Vasha Street Thermite DRAW Scratch One Lotus
Vasha Elevator Fisticuffs Mercilessly Thumped Still Alive
Lara Alley Patience ? TBD
Thugs Engine Room Distraction Technique R-R-R-RAMPAGE! Ego Boost
Sharks Bahamas Underwater Pistol MONSTER KILL! U-235, trigger mechanism


  • Archibald Wheeler - Bane of my existance. I should be somewhere sunny. Somewhere with tropical drinks that taste like the thighs of virgins. Instead, I'm here. With him.

Primary Function: Creating Headaches
Secondary Function: TBD


(While being searched for weapons by Vasha.) "That's all Kyle."
(While being scissored between Vasha's thighs.) "Oh… Oh my God, Are you… moist…?"
(After totaling Vasha's car.) "I'd feel bad if you weren't planning on killing me."
(To Lara during their reunion.) "I… I can't keep apologizing if you don't… stop… choking me!"


  • Beck - Cellphone's Dead
  • Journey - Any Way You Want It
  • Jet - Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
  • Boston - Foreplay/Long Time
  • Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
  • Ludacris - Area Codes
  • Blitzen Trapper - God & Suicide
  • Wilson Phillips - Hold On
  • Kenny Rogers & The First Edition - Just Dropped In
  • The Offspring - Smash It Up
  • Pennwise - F Authority

"Any rookie operative knows not to leave gear lying around. Audio bugs, lockpicks, and homemade silencers tend to raise some awkward questions." - Porter

The Legend of Kyle Porter


Kyle Porter…

  • once fought off a mountain lion. With a plastic butter knife.
  • once took down an entire terrorist cell, on American soil, dressed as an African American Frenchman.
  • once sold shoes. Out of a Korean prison.
  • is Iron Man.
  • catches bullets with his teeth.
  • polishes his smile with powdered diamonds.
  • is NOT the father.
  • killed Hitler. Twice.
  • is the new sex.
  • invented the Internet, but allowed Al Gore to take credit in exchange for a favor to be named later.
  • has six fingers on his right hand.
  • can impregnate a woman in mid-tango, but chooses not to.
  • once saved 139 passengers on a cargo plane in Saudi Arabian airspace, with only a bottle of Tequila, two limes and a failing plane engine… with a broken arm.
  • is the Lightning Thief. F*** Zeus.
  • is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test.
  • bleeds champage.
  • can speak French. In Russian.
  • is Uncle Sam's nephew.
  • once jumping crane kicked a velociraptor in the side of the skull, wearing nothing but a towel, in the middle of the Alaskan winter, with one broken toe and the Soul of an Eskimo lodged in the back of his neck, during a journey to find his lost contact lens.
  • has Starked every female character on HeroesMUSH. Yes. Yours too.
  • killed Wolverine.

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