2010-02-27: The Odd Couple


Cody_V4icon.png Erin_V4icon.png

Date: February 27, 2010


How have they not killed each other yet?

"The Odd Couple"


Since they moved into the new apartment, Cody hasn't come home before 6am the next morning. Last night was no different, only this morning Erin is finally treated to the morning routine. At approximately 6:05am the shower is running and Cody is already belting out some karaoke worthy tuneage. Unlike most people, bathroom acoustics to absolutely nothing for her singing voice. In a word, she's horrible.

"She's got electric boobs! Some yermom fruits! -something- -something- magaziiiiiiiiine NO NO NO!!! B-b-b-bennie and the jetsssssss!!"

At about 6:15am the water and the horrible singing stops and out walks Cody, wrapped up in a worn terry cloth robe and bare feet. Her hair is grown out into the long whips that Erin first met her in, all coiled into a topknot/ponytail on the top of her head. She's got a toothbrush in her mouth and some toothpaste has gathered at the corners of her lips as she brushes vigorously. Clanging a few pots and pans around, the blonde woman begins to fix breakfast. If Erin does happen to wander to the kitchen, the coffee is already on and there's a large wrapped present on the table. The label reads 'To: Erin Happy housewarming. From: Cody'


Dear god.

It's almost worse than torture. Since Erin's been through both, she can honestly say she'll take the screaming and flashing lights if she can somehow avoid this for the rest of her life. Not really, but at the moment, that's exactly what Erin's thinking.

A lot of the moments where she discovers little things about Cody are 'dear god' moments, actually. That's what she's come to realise. And while it's pretty cool having a secret agent as a roommate, sometimes… It's like she's so secret, she's lived most of her life in a box.

Electric 'boobs' does make her giggle. So does 'yermom fruits.'

It's not until 6:30 that Erin finally drags herself out of bed. Normally, that's about the time she'd be reporting to work, but this whole thing where she's on the run has spoiled her a little. It'd be nice if she could go out for a run… But if someone were to see her… No. It's too risky. Eventually, she makes her way to the kitchen. "You know, people are trying to— What's this?" She's noticed the present. "…Seriously?"


By the time Erin finally joins the land of the living, Cody already has a strange mixture of eggs and other things cooking in the skillet. It smells good but looks like it just crawled out of a dumpster. That could have everything to do with the fact that the eggs are mixed with all sorts of different middle eastern spices, some kind of mystery meat, and vegetables. "Mornin', making breakfast. We used to make this when we were in Turkey. Called it Eggseronious."

Looking toward the table, Cody just shrugs and stirs around the stuff in the pan and begins dishing it out on two plates. "I figured since you're not going to get a real housewarming, I'd try to get you something. Hope you like it." Then she walks over with the two plates and plunks them down on opposite sides of the table and returns to the prep area for a cup of coffee. "Hey you want some? I usually make it pretty strong."


She can totally be an adult about this. She doesn't have to rip right into that present, even if she's dying to know what it is. Like most people who were spoiled, Erin likes getting stuff. Even if it's not the only way to make her happy, she's always believed that money can do wonders for happiness.

But for now, she ignores it in favour of seeing what Cody's cooking. "…bless you," she replies to the explanation, looking into the skillet. Smell and sight are warring with each other as Erin tries to determine which one she should believe. Well… She's got a helping on the table now to mull over; heading back there, she says, "Sure, coffee'd be great." Strong? STRONG? She has to be up at 4am every day (on average. Not currently.) Strong coffee is how Erin gets by. She sits down in the chair, picking up a fork to poke at the 'food.' Her eyes, however, wander back over the the present.

Curiosity is too powerful. Narrowing her eyes, she picks up the present, and pulls off the paper.


Under the wrapper and inside the box is a stuffed animal. Not a fuzzy plushie but an honest to goodness taxidermied and very dead animal. If Erin plucks it out of the box, she will find that it's a porcupine stuffed into a very ferocious pose. Cody just can't help her laugh as the box is unwrapped and the present is revealed. "Happy Housewarming. I kind of got a kick out of it when I found it in this…" Pawnshop that she raided during a failed sting? "…uh.. Shop. You know. Where they sell junk."

When Cody gets back to the table, Erin is treated to a cup of the strongest Turkish coffee that her taste buds have ever had the displeasure of experiencing. The agent's table manners haven't improved much, she's at home and she doesn't have to be proper. So she's stuffing overloaded mouthfulls into her gullet and barely taking any time to chew before she swallows. Between 'bites' she points to the dead animal and grins. "So what do you think? Pretty great, huh? I figured you'd like it because of the whole wereporcupine thing."


Erin's reaction is pretty hard to read. Holding the thing at arm's length, she stares at it… as it stares right back at her. Damn. It's even the right colours. Then again, porcupines don't come in many colours. Grey is… pretty standard. "It's kinda like Rowdy from Scrubs," she says, breaking eye contact with the irate (dead) rodent so she can look over at Cody. At least, Erin seems amused.

It really seems like a thoughtful gift, too, as silly as it is. Erin misses the show. She misses the set. She misses Taine, and Beth, and everyone else. The porcupine (She'll call it Erin) is set on the table where it can enjoy breakfast with everyone else. Reaching for the coffee, Erin takes a sip, and //just manages to choke it down before coughing. "Strong. Yeah— yeah, I could get used to that."

The next sip is a little less surprising. "You know why they did that to me on the show? I was so pissed. I came back with this scar on my arm." She pulls back the sleeve of her right arm to show the jagged cut from bruised wrist to elbow. "And it was a goddamn joke for them. They picked the most uncomfortable, ridiculous creature they could find, then wrote a storyline around it and how Morgan became a were porcupine. It wasn't even supposed to happen, if not for you guys."

It's just a statement of fact, with no real bitterness behind it. Though her eyes do rest on the injury for just a little while longer before she looks at the dead porcupine. "…thanks. It's… great."


Erin's initial reaction causes a small smirk to cross Cody's features for a moment, just before she takes another large gulp of the coffee. "Scrubs? What's that?" Another television show that Erin's been on? It's something the agent will have to look into later on.

When Erin finally takes a sip of the coffee, the blonde points toward the other woman's plate with her fork and tries to label some of the bits in the egg. "There's some lamb, you know the kind they make in gyro's? Took a while to find a place that actually made good stuff." Of course Cody's 'good stuff' is always processed out the ying yang. Something that Erin might eventually find out.

The story though, that's what makes Cody's face kind of fall in disappointment. She's only seen a couple of the episodes, and that's only because she's now room mates with the star. "I kind of like the wereporcupine thing. I mean, it's kind of neat. Something we have in common. You play a porcupine, and I sort of am one. In a way." With a shrug, she begins to dig into her breakfast again.


"Some funny medical comedy," Erin says. She's seen a few episodes, enough to know about the stuffed lab named Rowdy. As she pokes her fork into the egg, she goes on. "Anyway, they had this taxidermied mutt. It was kinda creepy. Now I have a creepy porcupine — I'll have to put it in Taine's…"

She stops there, though, looking down, and taking the opportunity to take a bite of the … Whatever it was Cody called it. In any case, Erin's not so sure she'll ever see Taine again. You know, until she breaks Cody's rules and contacts him. Details.

"Hey, this is actually pretty good." Processed? Who cares! Erin thrives on processed foods. Pop tarts, McDonald's, pizza, ice cream (Though not Superman. That's Janet's thing.)

"Oh, it's okay, I guess," Erin's quick to add. "And it's played. …I kinda wonder what they're going to do with the show when the episodes they recorded with me in them run out. They have about a month in advance at any given time. They'll probably just find someone to replace me." That happens a lot in soaps. They can't always just write a character out so… they hire a new actor! "So, when'd you find out about your power?"


"I know, right? This stuff will stick to your ribs and the coffee's so strong it will literally grow hair on your chest. No word of a lie. I was in Cyprus once, you wouldn't believe the women there. They have an impressive amount of hair. I'm pretty sure they drank this every day." Cody's a little focussed on that, she finds it all fascinating. Another couple of bites and she points toward Erin, "See? I think I see some poking out of your collar. It's already started." She's not serious, there's no hair there, but if Erin falls for it it'll be funnier to Cody than the yermom fruit was to Erin.

"I'm sorry that your life is kind of on hold right now. I'm hoping it'll get better sooner rather than later." Then something occurs to the woman and she scrapes around her plate, carefully picking up the stray bits left here and there. "You know.. if you want, I can bag your friend and bring him here so you can see him. I mean… I know you're lonely. It's dangerous, really dangerous… but if he's smart enough to keep it a secret, I can get him here pretty easily." With a black bag over his head and tied up in the trunk of a car… but it'd be a visit at least.

"As for your show, can't they just have you go missing or something? Get a body double and poof?" Cody's got a bit of optimism for her new room mate's sake. None for herself.


Erin does, of course, look down before she realises that Cody's being dumb. Her fingers are still pulling her collar back as she glares. "You're lucky it tastes edible and I'm hungry, or I'd throw it at you," she grunts. Not so gracious when she's the butt of someone's joke. In fact, she's almost in a sour mood because of it! The food's even gone from 'pretty good' to 'edible' in the span of seconds.

"I dunno, Cody. I've seen what those people can do. What you can do. It just… kinda makes me lose a lot of faith in — everything, really. I mean, if they find out about you…" Erin lets that thought die before she finishes it. "I still have nightmares…"

She has to laugh when Cody suggests picking up Taine. "Taine doesn't have a power. He's just normal. I freaked him out a couple times with mine, but he's never done anything outta the ordinary. If you could get him here, I'd owe you one, though. I kinda miss him.

"And I guess Morgan could go missing. But I dunno what they're saying about me. Or if anyone even knows I'm gone yet. Heh, they're probably happier on set crew now that I'm not breathing down their necks. If I didn't show, they probably fired me."


Cody chuckles at Erin's reaction to the joke, to her it's really funny. "Don't worry, if you have unsightly body hair, I can take it away." It's like having a salon at your fingertips minus the vajazzling service. Nomatter how much Erin might beg, Cody will never ever stick Swarovski crystals to the starlet's 'special lady.' Then the agent turns quite serious.

"Uhm, speaking of what they can do…" Cody pauses and gets up from the table, cleaning her plate and empty mug away and putting it into the dishwasher. "I need a big favor from you. I'll get Taine here… I can handle the kidnapping charge, if he's not happy about it. But I'm not going to let him go if he can't promise to keep your status among the living a secret. You can't afford to get caught."

Cody goes silent for a few minutes as she pours herself another mug of coffee and just stares into its inky depths. "The favor, I need you to watch my back. Good agents, good ones, have been found dead. The one that's given me the most information on the inside was found shot in the head. They're not investigating."

Slowly, the blonde makes her way back to the table and takes a seat. "I could disappear pretty easily, but that would leave us out of the loop." She takes a deep breath and then takes a long drink of the coffee before continuing. "Most of the agents were found dead in their homes or in hotels. I'm going to have Pyle hook us up with an alarm system, but I need to train you to fight."


Erin doesn't think it's very funny. But she wouldn't put it beyond Cody to do something, just to make Erin mad. Hell, Erin won't put it beyond herself to do something, either. Like give Cody random SARS.

No vajazzling. Not now, not ever. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL.

The decision that's presented to Erin is actually a tough one to make. Months before, she might have said 'yes' in a heartbeat, but this whole caring about other people thing is betting hard. She actually has to make sacrifices… Like now, deciding if bringing Taine here is worth him having to stay here. "He'll keep the secret. He's an actor. We lie for a living. I mean, hell, I've even heard of actors who can pass lie detector tests even lying their whole way through them. He wouldn't tell anyone."

On the other hand. "I'm not so sure it's a great idea for anyone to know I'm alive, though. You make the call."

Really, it was only a matter of time before the 'good guys' on the inside were discovered. Erin swears profusely, albeit quietly. "Look, you can't die, I still need you." So just … keep that in mind, Baker! It might be necessary for Erin to have to fight, after all… Not that she's happy about it. "You know, sometimes I wonder if I could just bottle disease and break glass in case of emergency…" The thought makes her grin. "I bet I could, Cody. I bet I could make something you and I are immune to, put it in a bottle, and…just break the bottle if we need to."

Then she frowns. "And then we have a plague. Fine. Fine. But does it have to be your hair?"


"I'm not planning on dying, but if I'm going to plan on living we have to come up with a solid defense against anyone coming here." Cody says, taking another sip of her coffee. She slowly twirls the sludge around in her mug as she stares at it. "Agents are being brought in at a phenominal rate. They're trying to double or triple the force for something. I haven't figured out what. I need you to know exactly what I know and I need you to be in touch with Pyle. If I can't report to him, someone else has to. Being my room mate, you're the best person to do it."

She drains her second up and clunks it down on the table loudly. "If you can make something like that, it would be really helpful, but I have to know that you can protect yourself if you get shot with the solution. I don't know if we have time to build you up an immunity to their tranquilizer, probably not." She pauses as she considers a few courses of action. "I can get you a bullwhip, they won't expect that. But if I go down, my hair will fall out and it'll be your best weapon handy. You can hurt them, tie them up, and strangle them with it. I'm going to be home early tonight and tomorrow. We'll start training then. If you could clear a room for us to use, it'll be a time saver."

Getting up from the breakfast table again, the agent seems deep in thought. "Can you create a virus that attacks a nervous system quickly? If we can incapacitate someone that comes in before they have a chance to shoot me or you, it'll be best. Also we need to build a panic room." It's a large enough apartment, they should be able to find a spot to be able to escape to.


Pessimistic at the best of times, Erin can come up with some reasons as to why they're building up their forces; the frustration and anger is clear on her face. Whoever wants Evolved weapons is getting impatient. Or they've noticed the fact that people like Erin are finally cluing in and fighting back. "It's because you're all expendable," Erin says. "To them. The end justifies the means. If any of you die, they have replacements waiting. Like a bee hive or an ant hill. They don't give a damn about any of you, so long as they get what they want. And I can't honestly believe there are people in the Alpha Protocol who legitimately believe they're doing what's right."

Temper. Erin throws the mug of coffee across the kitchen, and it shatters. Luckily, the coffee, which splashes over just about everything, isn't hot enough to burn anymore. It's enough that Erin feels completely helpless, but the knowledge that the people who work in the Protocol think they're 'doing the right thing' and 'fighting terrorists' makes her want to break something, or perhaps a whole lot of somethings. "Whatever. Whatever. If you want me to make something, I'm going to need books. I can only work with what I know. Find something the affects the nervous system. Polio or something. I'm going to my room before I get pissed off and give you SARS." Erin starts to march away.

Returning, she takes the porcupine.

And then resumes her angry march away.

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