2007-08-21: Why Did It Have To Be Snakes

Starring:

Lachlan_icon.gif Cass_icon.gif

Appearance By:

Snakealfred_Icon.gif

Summary:

Lachlan's phobia of snakes makes itself very well known when a neighbor's corn snake turns up in Cass' Apartment

August 21st, 2007:

Why Did it Have to Be Snakes?


Cass' Apartment

Rumor has it that little Harry's corn snake escaped its cage upstairs and has since been lost in the vast apartment building in Brooklyn. This news did not seem to faze Lachlan before. He brushed it off as nothing to be concerned with. After all, it was upstairs, right? No snake would ever climb down stairs.

So imagine his shock and dismay when he woke up this afternoon and went into the bathroom to get some cough medicine for his recent bout of Whatever Has Been Going Around, only to find a little corn snake curled up under the warming glow of a night light. The neighbors probably heard the scream. Bonnie sure did. So did George. And more importantly, the snake saw the flailing and startled out of its sluggish slumber to slither along the floor. That's how Lachlan now finds himself perched atop the kitchen table wielding a broom and staring wide-eyed at the couch. Bonnie is going insane trying to dig out the poor cornered little snake, and George stands atop the couch puffed up and hissing on occasion. This is the worst day ever to stay home sick.

After a quick stop at Bat Country to take care of a few things, Cass returns back to her apartment with soup for her poor sickie boyfriend. She hasn't heard the rumors about the snake and she doesn't know of Lachlan's intense fear of them. However, when she opens the door to find pandemonium, she's stunned. Blinking, she raises her voice over the dog and the cat and the broom-wielding Scot just out of sheer necessity. "What in the /world/ is going on here?"

SNAKESNAKESNAKE. SNAKE. SNAKESNAKE. EAT SNAKE.

Bonnie's going to likely cause some furniture damage if she's not stopped, and Lachlan is obviously doing nothing to stop her. His terror is likely egging her on, actually. The urge to Protect Mom's Best Friend is very strong. When Cass enters, Lachlan turns his petrified expression on her, clutching his broom as though it's the last bastion of safety in the world. It should be noted that he's still dressed in his sleepwear — which would be just boxers. These ones are tartan. "S'a bloody snake!" he informs her in a rather shrill pitch. George punctuates it with a hiss directed at the enthusiastic Bonnie.

"Bonnie! Enough!" Cass doesn't so much as snap as order, thinking the dog is about to paw a hole right through her furniture and maybe even the floor. Giving Lachlan a surprised and somewhat bemused expression at his high pitched wailing, she moves closer to him to put the soup on his safety island - formerly known as her table. Then, she says, quite seriously, thinking it over. "God, it must be huge to get this entire household into such a ruckus. Where is it?" While she doesn't exactly /like/ snakes she has no overt fear over them. However, in her mind's eye an amazonian python is curled up under her couch and ready to strike. That certainly sobers her amusement.

Bonnie comes away from the couch with a whine, waggles up to Cass, then goes back to the couch and peers under it attentively. MOM MOM MOM THERE'S A SNAKE MOM RIGHT HERE RIGHT HERE CAN'T GET IT MOM. She whuffs and snuffs, sticking her nose under the couch as far as it will go, but she doesn't start digging again.

Lachlan jabs the broom toward the couch with another shrill spluttering. "S'under there!" In point of fact, the corn snake is still young and small and, should Cass look under the couch, she'll find it curled up and tense from all the commotion it's caused. If ever a snake could look terrified, this one does. It's probably only barely as long as her forearm.

As long as Bonnie isn't actively trying to make it so that she has to by new furniture, Cass doesn't care if she sniffs under the couch. "Good girl." Giving Bonnie a quick pat on the head and a scratch behind her ears, she slowly approaches the couch in question. What with Lachlan's sputtering and squeaking, she can't even imagine what it is she's going to find under there. She wouldn't be surprised if it's a snake as thick as her waist who is actively trying to digest poor Indiana Jones, lost to his fate of his hated snakes. Maybe he left behind an archeological treasure. When she kneel and then ducks her head low enough to peer into the dark space between floor and couch, what she sees makes her burst into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, Lachlan. You have /got/ to be kidding me." The poor snake looks terrified. It's a thin little baby of a thing. She knows very little about snakes, but this thing looks totally harmless. Straightening, she goes to take the broom from her fiancee to sweep out the poor snake and rescue it from Bonnie and the rest of her apartment's scared residents.

Lachlan is rather reluctant to give up the only weapon he's got against the evil horrible reptile, but he does. When the snake is swept out from under the couch, he lets out a little yelp of fear, because OH GOD OH GOD IT CAME OUT OF THE END NEAREST HIM IT IS NOW TWO FEET CLOSER TO HIM. It is a little-known fact that snakes have the ability to turn the 6'2", well-built and powerful Scotsman into a three-year-old girl. Bonnie immediately rushes forward in an attempt to grab the snake. George just hisses at her when she moves too quickly for his tastes. The snake itself is sluggish, having not had any sufficient places to bask today, thus running on cold blood. It doesn't even attempt to strike at Cass or the broom.

When everyone erupts into a further riot when the snake finally makes it's appearance, Cass rolls her eyes. "Bonnie, /no/," she firmly tells the dog to try and shoo it away from the poor snake. George gets a wary eyeing, but no other warning. Lachlan, though, gets the full brunt of her amusement at this situation. She has never seen the Scot act like this. A pouty child? Yes. A scary protective rottweiler? Yes. A shrieky three year old girl? No. However, she's not about to exploit his fear. That's just cruel - even if it would be funny. Instead, she just wraps the snake around her arm and attempts to keep it out of dog reach. "Aw, Lach, it's just a baby snake. It's not about to hurt you." However she does hold the broom out to him, so he can take back his fierce weapon.

Like hell it's not. Lachlan's had experiences with snakes. They hurt. He snatches up the broom again and slips back a few inches on the table, because now Cass has The Thing and she's within broom-distance, which is way too close. Also why is she holding it and letting it wrap itself around her?! "J-just … keep it away, a'righ'?" he whimpers, wrapping his hands around the broom tightly. Bonnie follows Cass, watching the snake very, very alertly. Sort of the same way she watches when someone is carrying around food or a treat.

Giving Lachlan an almost pitying smile, Cass takes a few steps back. Really, it's kind of cute. Vibrant colors, good people skills. Allowing it to wrap around her arm in a secure sort of way, she strokes it's scales right where it's neck would be if it were a mammal. "It's okay, Lach, I'm not about to let the mean snake hurt you." She just have to find out where it came from so she can give it back. "We'll keep it some place out of the way so you won't have to see it." Giving Bonnie a cautionary look, she wags a finger at her. "Ah ah ah, no snake for you."

WHAT? SIT DOWN? OKAY.

Bonnie sits, long tail wagging a thousand miles a minute behind her, and licks her chops. Pleeeeeeeeease can has snake? The snake itself is just happy to have something warm to curl up around and doesn't mind the petting in the slightest. Lachlan, on the other hand, minds that the snake is wrapped around his fiancee's arm. Who knows, it could suddenly grow to twelve feet long and eat her or something. Snakes are tricky. Now that it's apparently contained, though, he seems to relax just a little and finally — slowly — crawls off the table, still clutching the broom. "… we're no' bloody keepin' tha' thing." Ever.

This snake is almost certainly someone's pet, Cass is not about to feed it to her dog. Sitting isn't about to change her mind. "Good Bonnie. Stay." But she gets no snake treat. Instead, Cass starts to wander the apartment to find something to keep the poor thing in where Bonnie won't get at it and Lachlan won't freak out every time he walks by it. This may just be an impossible task. "We're not going to /keep/ it. We're just going to hold onto it until we can find it's owner." Unconcerned about it's ability or possibility of growing legs or teeth or something equally terrifying, she just allows the thing to do what it will. It's not hurting her and it's already been through quite an ordeal.

Bonnie stays, but only because she figures she's going to get a slithery treat out of all this. The snake continues to just stay curled up around Cass' arm, leeching warmth from her as best it can. Lachlan watches it warily, but he relaxes more and more. "Kid upstairs lost one," he grunts. "Heard 'bout it few days ago." And it has to be this one. Why anyone would want to keep one of those things is beyond the Scot. If he weren't so terrified of it, he would've beaten it to death with the broom.

Nope, no slithery treat for Bonnie. Not now, not ever. "Oh really?" Cass takes that information and stores it away. Then, she finds one of her Strand tote bags to store the little thing in. "I'll take it up to him in a bit." She almost forgets about it on her arm. Not completely, though. It's pretty impossible to forget about a slithering cold-blooded animal wrapped around your arm. "Do you know what apartment? I don't really feel like knocking on each and every door with a snake and asking if it's theirs. Some people might start screaming." Like Lachlan was earlier. "You can put the broom down, hon. It's not going to hurt you."

No, he doesn't know which apartment. Now he kinda wishes he'd paid attention, because then they could be rid of it sooner. Despite Cass' assurance, Lachlan keeps a firm grip on the broom. The little snake that is not at all adorable in any way shape or form is scary. It might … jump on him and eat his face or something. He is not, in point of fact, rational when it comes to snakes. He still watches it warily. "Dunno. Think the kid's name was Harry." He only remembers that because he isn't particularly fond of the name 'Harry'.

"Hm." Slowly, Cass starts to unwind the snake from her arm and place it in the tote bag. It's not exactly the perfect snake place, but it's the best she can do on short notice. Has Cass finally found something where she's braver than Lachlan? Or at least something where she can save Lachlan from. "Harry. Well. We can figure out where he lives in just a bit." Putting the bag over her arm, she gestures for Lachlan to actually sit at the table he was standing on. "I brought you soup!"

Cass touched the snake. She picked it up of her own accord and let it entwine around her arm. She is very much the brave one in this situation. It might take a little effort to detach the reptile. He's found warmth! He doesn't want to let go. Eventually, however, he goes quietly into the bag, and Lachlan continues to stand there half-naked staring like someone just gave him a swift kick between the legs. It's only when Cass points out the soup that he comes to life. He glances at it, then slowly releases the broom and props it up against the wall before taking a seat. "Thanks," he croaks as he pulls the soup closer to himself and peers at it curiously. Stupid snakes.

Aww. It's not the snakes fault that Lachlan hates him. He had nothing to do with any of this. As soon as the snake is in the bag, Cass pulls the bag over her shoulder. She loves Bonnie, but she doesn't trust the dog not to try and stick her nose into it and eat the thing she's been trying to get at all this time. "You're welcome." She has saved Lachlan from the scary snake demon. She is the triumphant woman of the house. "I'll take little Indy, here, door to door later so he can be rightfully reunited with his proper owner. How're you feeling? Do you still have a fever?"

How he's feeling, outside of horrible, is … horrible. This is the most activity he's really had for the past few days. Lachlan takes the soup and doesn't bother with a spoon. It's a liquid. He can drink it right from the bowl. "Yeah, little bit." Pause. "… ye better no' name it, b'cause then ye get attached ta it an' we're no' keepin' it." Just so he's very clear on that point.

This is why Cass brought her Scotsman soup. Because he's been feeling and he needs some care. There'll be cool washclothes and medicine for him later. Plus, snuggling and an action movie to make him feel better. "What? Little Indy needs a name. I'm not just going to keep calling him it for the little while we've got him. Don't worry. I'm not about to keep a snake. Bonnie would eat it." Rolling her eyes a little, she moves to the kitchen to get him a spoon. "Here, you barbarian, use some silverware. Is it not warm enough? I can heat it up." Only Cass can lovingly call her fiancee a barbarian and then worry about the temperature of his soup in the same breath. She's special.

When Cass comes over bearing the Snake-In-A-Bag, Lachlan flinches away from the tote as though it might bite him. Or the snake might bite him through it. Little Indy, in fact, is peacefully curled up, happy to be in a dark place that is not very cold. But as long as the snake remains in the bag, Lachlan will not panic. He seems to calm down the more the bag does not bite him. "S'bloody soup. Doesna matter how ye eat it, s'goin' ta the same place," he complains mildly, likely just for the excuse to have something to complain about. Which isn't the soup itslef, because he states, "S'fine." And then proceeds to eat. With the spoon.

It's not a Jack-In-The-Box. It's just Indy in a nice safe bag. Nothing to worry about, silly Scot. "Maybe not, but manners, darling." Handing off the spoon, she grins and shoulders the bag a bit more. It's not that it's really heavy, it's a small snake, but the straps keep digging into the wrong places on her shoulder. "You sure? I've got some more Tylenol, too. For the fever and stuff. Plus, I rented that Steven Segal movie you like." They all look the same to her, so hopefully it's the right one.

… wow. If it weren't for the fact that he feels utterly shitty, Lachlan would think that getting sick more often would be something towards which to strive. And it doesn't even really matter which Steven Segal movie because chances are that he'll like it. Though of course he can tell the differences between them all. It has to do with subtle differences in the fight sequences. "Nah, s'fine." And in typical Lachlan fashion, he's already pretty much halfway through the soup anyway, so it would be a moot point to heat it up again. "Ye've been busy." At least he's stopped staring at the bag like it's going to bite him.

When her man is sick, Cass pulls out all the stops. She knows how sad it is to be alone and sick. And how miserable that can make a person. Not to mention how horrible it must be to be sick and see something you have a phobia of. "Okay. Well, don't be a big manly Scot for today. If you don't feel well, you tell me. Otherwise I'm taking that Segal movie back to the video store." And she'll do it, too! She means business. "Sort of. It's kind of hard to set up an entire lab to cater to a set of people who most people don't believe exist."

"… how're ye gonna know tha' I'm no' tellin' ye I dunna feel well?" retorts Lachlan with some cheekiness. Soup's gone, so he pushes away the bowl and settles back in his chair with a sigh. Maybe he should go lay down. That might stop the room from looking a bit fuzzy. After some consideration, he decides laying down is the best bet, so he starts to get up from the chair. "Gonna lay down."

"I'll know." Cass gives Lachlan her best, 'I know all and see all' look while hefting the snake bag one more time on her shoulder. Maybe he should go lie down. Especially if he's not feeling well. Leaning forward, she gives him a kiss on the forehead, mindful to keep the tote bag behind her and as far from Lachlan as she can mange while kissing him. "Go lie down. I'll make sure Indy gets back to his home."

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